Ahahahaha... no subject. xD

Posted on: July 10, 2010 - 3:40pm
Ahahahaha... no subject. xD
So, I haven't made a post in a while, so I just felt like updating. :D 
I forced myself out of depression. (finally!) I recently discovered that being a nocturnal antisocial recluse actually really suits me. 1- I don't have to deal with people's homophobia because, well, nobody sees me. xD 2- I won't be able to run into anybody I don't want to run into. 3- I've been getting a lot more reading and writing done. 4- I view my room as a sanctuary of sorts because that's always where I've gone. 5- My room is like my home. .__.
So, I've actually been okay for once. I avoid thinking about certain things or..certain people.. and I'm happy this way. I don't know what it is about it, but antisocial suits me perfectly. I think I made the choice of stayign comepletely antisocial because the first time I left my house in about two weeks, I just so happened to run into one of Rhiannon's old friends that asked me "Hey, where's your girlfriend?" 
...
-______________-
So that kind of stressed me out because I was trying not to think about it. :P 
So I haven't left my house since then, save for going to Walmart with my mum. (but Walmart is far away where nobody knows me and I don't have to worry. :D )
So basically, I just wanted to say--for once, I'm okay. :)
Not only that, but I'm happy. I'm happy alone.
AND! I'm not getting in another relationsihp until I go off to college. 1-I'm not going to school again until then, and 2- young relationships don't last anyways. :P And I 've pretty much built a brick wall around my heart. xD But oh well. :P 
Anyways...
Cheers!
__________________

"I'm not an Angel any more. I'm your new God - a better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord, or I shall destroy you." - Castiel [The Man Who Knew Too Much]


Posted on: July 20, 2010 - 10:28am #1
Nemo hun, it's denial.  I know myself, given the fact that this past year I've been in denial about alot of things.  They're all starting to come to a head now.  But, I am dealing with them the best I can as they come to me.  Don't let yourself get consumed by denial...  Eventually, you will have to deal with those things.  Or one day, you'll have far to much on your plate to handle.  You're stability will spiral out of control, don't go so far into reading or writing that you forget just what is to have "REAL" human contact.  

Regardless if it is even just friendship...  Online we are hidden behind typed words and a screen.  But, beyond the screen...  When right in front of a person, we can't hide.
__________________

The Worst Foe Lies Within The Self... ~ Parasite Eve

Posted on: July 29, 2010 - 7:39pm #2
Yeah... I realized said denial last week the first tiem I really did leave my house in over a month.. And then I realized how fraked up everything really was with me, and that I;m lonely all the time, and I just admitted to myself I was in denial. THings keep getting worse for me. I've dreamed about Rhiannon every night since I left. Not a day has gone by since I haven't thought about her. And as of right now, it's been 52 days and 12 and a half hours since I last saw her. I keep counting, and it keeps gettint worse, and any time I leave my house I get so stressed out that as soon as I get home, I go back to my bedroom. I've been talking to people on Skype with the voice call things, because it at least calms me to hear other people's voices that aren't just those of my parents and sister. (even if it's just the voices of people I've met on the Gay Youth Corner) 
But... yeah. About two weeks after I wrote this, I realized I was just trying to convince myself. .-. To be honest, I miss real human contact. But whenever I leave and actually see somebody,  I freak out and go into my auto-defense mode and play that I'm okay. Then when I was with Christen last week, we were just kind of talking about everything, and I ended up completely breaking my barrier and crying while we were talking about Rhiannon, and basically the events that have happened so far in my life that turned me into who I am now (paranoid, non-violent, antisocial, reclusive, and building up a wall around my heart.)
But... yeah. .-.
-sigh-
__________________

"I'm not an Angel any more. I'm your new God - a better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord, or I shall destroy you." - Castiel [The Man Who Knew Too Much]