*Screams*
Posted on: February 4, 2010 - 1:49am
InfiniteSkyes
Posts: 11
Joined: 2008-06-30
Offline
*Screams*
So before I start I guess there needs to be a little background: 1. A few years ago I was diagnosed with moderate/severe depression, severe general anxiety disorder, and what the doctor called borderline psychosis. I worked really hard and by the beginning of last May I was finally able to live semi independently, still lived where my parents did but they did not provide monetary support and I was able to work a somewhat stressful job. 2. My parents both lost their jobs within the past 2 years and lost our home a year ago. We've been living with relatives since.
Okay, so last June I decided to try to live away from my parents. My mom supported this as she thought I should try to gain some independence from her and my father. Plus, we really had overstayed our welcome at my aunt's house. So I joined AmeriCorps, was given a position as a literacy coordinator at a community center which happened to be located in the same city that my grandparents lived, and made plans to move down to North Carolina. According to my parents it was a great situation. I would have the chance to have independence, and if something did go wrong, well, my grandparents would be there. Somehow this was either a) never explained to my grandfather, or b) it was but he either misunderstood or chose to ignore it.
From the moment I got off the plane there were problems. First being that my grandfather bought a car for me to use. I had to sell my Jeep before i left New Hampshire as there was no way for me to bring it down, and I had planned to buy a used car that would get me from home to work and back. Now this wouldn't have been a problem. In fact, in the beginning it wasn't. My grandfather said that I would have to pay the insurance on it and once I was able to I could pick up the payments on the car. I said that it probably would have to be after my AmeriCorps year was up and he had said it was okay. Well, it turned out not to be okay, within about two months he was already on my case about having to get a second job because he wanted me to start making the car payments. I only made $450 a month for my living allowance. I was part time and my schedule was such that I could not take on another job even though my contract had said it was okay. That was the reason why I wasn't planning on buying a car with payments.
Also I spent my entire first month being isolated in my grandparents home. My grandfather is kind of racist and for whatever reason he didn't want me to talk to the "mexican's and blacks". I couldn't drive anywhere. In fact, he scared me so much that I didn't even want to leave the house. By August, I was ready to go back to New Hampshire but my mom insisted I give the AmeriCorps position a chance and maybe things would calm down after I was able to give my grandfather the insurance money.
Well. Things haven't gotten better. I had to quit AmeriCorps because my grandfather was threatening to sell the car I use and having a car is a condition of my contract as I had to travel to do my job. My parents moved down thinking for whatever reason that they could find work down here. There are over 30 applicants to a single job posting. I don't have the money to move back up to New Hampshire, nor do I have a place to stay up there as I refuse to impose on another relative. This past year of living with relatives and stuff has been disasterous. We can stay with them to help us save money but they are either demanding we pay rent which was most of my parents pay plus groceries and stuff. My mom keeps saying I have to give my grandfather money but I really can't because I'm trying to move out of here.
I haven't talked to a single person my age (I'm 22) in the past six months. I really haven't had any contact with anyone outside of my family in the past month. I still have to make insurance payments on a car that I no longer drive, and my grandfather just keeps talking about how in debt he is. He didn't have to buy a laptop computer recently. I pay for my own food. Which is expensive because I am pre diabetic and cannot eat the food that my grandparents eat. I was supposed to apply for food stamps but my grandfather wouldn't write the letters that I needed to get them based on my income (my living allowance didn't count as income).
All I do is cry it seems. I no longer feel anything, and I no longer care enough about anything. My mom keeps telling me to speak up for some reason. LIke it's going to make a difference if I voice my opinion in this house? I'm sorry but I tried and my grandfather just thinks i'm a liar (which we can't think of a single reason he'd think that) and that I'm stupid with no life experience. Um, maybe not the kind he has but I've seen a lot in my 22 years. And I found out from my sister that he was telling my parents lies about me. That I was being disrespectful to relatives that had come to visit and stuff. Which the relatives denied when my mom asked about it.
I feel like he doesn't respect me. My last boyfriend was very physical with me and I never really liked to be touched, so I have some issues. My grandfather goes out of his way to put a hand on my back or shoulder or to make skin on skin contact (like touch my face/neck) even after I've calmly explained that I don't like to be touched. He even grabbed me once, and it was so much like what the ex boyfriend did when he tried to force me to have sex that I almost lost it. He keeps saying if I'd just explain why then he'd stop. I've tried with out the details but he just gives me this look and i know he thinks i'm lying.
My parents aren't helping much. My mom says I need to get out of this negitive mood I'm in. And she's like "why are you crying? don't you think I have it bad too?" They also never believed the whole diagnosis from the doctor, even though the let me be medicated and stuff. Which sucks because I wasn't supposed to go something like a move unmedicated, I've been off of it for a while. I feel like all the work I've done for the past few years has been undone. I don't see myself being able to work for a bit, but I cannot continue living in this house, nor can I see living with my parents once they can get their own place as an option. I don't know what to do. New Hampshire for many reasons IS the best place for me to be. Even if I have no car, no place to live, no job... And even if I hated it there, and really don't want to go back. i don't see many options. I just want to stop crying.
I'm sorry for the length I just needed to get some of this out.
Okay, so last June I decided to try to live away from my parents. My mom supported this as she thought I should try to gain some independence from her and my father. Plus, we really had overstayed our welcome at my aunt's house. So I joined AmeriCorps, was given a position as a literacy coordinator at a community center which happened to be located in the same city that my grandparents lived, and made plans to move down to North Carolina. According to my parents it was a great situation. I would have the chance to have independence, and if something did go wrong, well, my grandparents would be there. Somehow this was either a) never explained to my grandfather, or b) it was but he either misunderstood or chose to ignore it.
From the moment I got off the plane there were problems. First being that my grandfather bought a car for me to use. I had to sell my Jeep before i left New Hampshire as there was no way for me to bring it down, and I had planned to buy a used car that would get me from home to work and back. Now this wouldn't have been a problem. In fact, in the beginning it wasn't. My grandfather said that I would have to pay the insurance on it and once I was able to I could pick up the payments on the car. I said that it probably would have to be after my AmeriCorps year was up and he had said it was okay. Well, it turned out not to be okay, within about two months he was already on my case about having to get a second job because he wanted me to start making the car payments. I only made $450 a month for my living allowance. I was part time and my schedule was such that I could not take on another job even though my contract had said it was okay. That was the reason why I wasn't planning on buying a car with payments.
Also I spent my entire first month being isolated in my grandparents home. My grandfather is kind of racist and for whatever reason he didn't want me to talk to the "mexican's and blacks". I couldn't drive anywhere. In fact, he scared me so much that I didn't even want to leave the house. By August, I was ready to go back to New Hampshire but my mom insisted I give the AmeriCorps position a chance and maybe things would calm down after I was able to give my grandfather the insurance money.
Well. Things haven't gotten better. I had to quit AmeriCorps because my grandfather was threatening to sell the car I use and having a car is a condition of my contract as I had to travel to do my job. My parents moved down thinking for whatever reason that they could find work down here. There are over 30 applicants to a single job posting. I don't have the money to move back up to New Hampshire, nor do I have a place to stay up there as I refuse to impose on another relative. This past year of living with relatives and stuff has been disasterous. We can stay with them to help us save money but they are either demanding we pay rent which was most of my parents pay plus groceries and stuff. My mom keeps saying I have to give my grandfather money but I really can't because I'm trying to move out of here.
I haven't talked to a single person my age (I'm 22) in the past six months. I really haven't had any contact with anyone outside of my family in the past month. I still have to make insurance payments on a car that I no longer drive, and my grandfather just keeps talking about how in debt he is. He didn't have to buy a laptop computer recently. I pay for my own food. Which is expensive because I am pre diabetic and cannot eat the food that my grandparents eat. I was supposed to apply for food stamps but my grandfather wouldn't write the letters that I needed to get them based on my income (my living allowance didn't count as income).
All I do is cry it seems. I no longer feel anything, and I no longer care enough about anything. My mom keeps telling me to speak up for some reason. LIke it's going to make a difference if I voice my opinion in this house? I'm sorry but I tried and my grandfather just thinks i'm a liar (which we can't think of a single reason he'd think that) and that I'm stupid with no life experience. Um, maybe not the kind he has but I've seen a lot in my 22 years. And I found out from my sister that he was telling my parents lies about me. That I was being disrespectful to relatives that had come to visit and stuff. Which the relatives denied when my mom asked about it.
I feel like he doesn't respect me. My last boyfriend was very physical with me and I never really liked to be touched, so I have some issues. My grandfather goes out of his way to put a hand on my back or shoulder or to make skin on skin contact (like touch my face/neck) even after I've calmly explained that I don't like to be touched. He even grabbed me once, and it was so much like what the ex boyfriend did when he tried to force me to have sex that I almost lost it. He keeps saying if I'd just explain why then he'd stop. I've tried with out the details but he just gives me this look and i know he thinks i'm lying.
My parents aren't helping much. My mom says I need to get out of this negitive mood I'm in. And she's like "why are you crying? don't you think I have it bad too?" They also never believed the whole diagnosis from the doctor, even though the let me be medicated and stuff. Which sucks because I wasn't supposed to go something like a move unmedicated, I've been off of it for a while. I feel like all the work I've done for the past few years has been undone. I don't see myself being able to work for a bit, but I cannot continue living in this house, nor can I see living with my parents once they can get their own place as an option. I don't know what to do. New Hampshire for many reasons IS the best place for me to be. Even if I have no car, no place to live, no job... And even if I hated it there, and really don't want to go back. i don't see many options. I just want to stop crying.
I'm sorry for the length I just needed to get some of this out.
Did he demand that you make payments right away or was it insurance? Not that it matters one way or another just asking.
On a completely different note, I hate to agree with your mom, and no not with everything...just on this one thing. You should speak up to your grandfather at least concerning why you dont want to be touched. You mentioned that you dont want to go into detail...and I suppose it all depends on what you said in the first place whether it was substantial enough. If you keep silent it only hurts more....
On the NH thing, do you have friends you could stay with until you are able to bounce back on your feet? If not maybe apply for subsidized housing/Section 8. We have it in mass, its where rent is based on your income. and if you only make say 100 a week or what have you your rent would only be say 50 a month. Those figures arent actually true. but it works something like that. My friend has this and her rent is only 50 dollars a month and includes EVERYTHING...minus cable and phone...but still...maybe you could look into that?..and if they do have it try to get some kind of part time job....with the degree you have Im sure there's something somewhere. worst comes to worse retail jobs are usually always open. Not that you should settle down instead of up...but itd be something to get you out of the situation your in now.
And with doing so you could try and find a close one in either walking or taking a bus distance and save on a car all together...or save up for one.
I think everyone can agree that getting out of the situation your in would be best its just a matter of finding the means to do so. and if you were to be eligble for the section 8 housing then you could prolly get food stamps...
all these options are most likely not appealing to you or what you want out of life. but in tough time like this it may help simply being independent at least from the people that hurting you more..
Just some thoughts.....idk if any of it helped btw i didnt say anythin involved with the medical side/psychological side because i have no knowledge in it. but if psychboi is on at any time soon Im sure he'll have great advise. ....well like i said i hope some of this helped..and if you wanna talk message me anytime im always in and out of this place
-LG
The thing is, I don't have friends really up in NH. My only friend is attending school right now in Mass., I'm starting to think that maybe I ask if he wants to share a place when he's finsihed with school. But then again, we're hashing out some issues ourselves. Cuz apparently I'm good enough to date, but only intellectually. That's a whole other thing tho.
The thing with talking to my grandfather about the touching is that I don't feel comfortable talking to him about what the ex (and other boys) did to me. Or what I allowed them to do. I kind of wish my mom would step in. Just once take my side when it will create a conflict. She doesn't know everything but she knows enough. I should be seeing someone for the issues, but I can't afford it.
And yeah, he wants the car payment on top of the insurance payment.
And thats ridiculous about the payments on the car :( I sorry. Id say dont pay its not like you asked them to buy you a car and so therefor its not your responsibility.
And with talkin to him I totally get that I still havent really talked to the person i should talk to...but i feel like i do talk about it and so it helps me. The thing with your grandpa i would say dont worry about it and talkin to him about it. but its a problem because as you said he goes out of his way to touch your shoulder and so even if you dont go into detail make it abundantly clear that you do not want to be touch and if your parents cant step in on your defense then you need to try and be as strong as possible and assert your thoughts on it and if that doesnt work avoid being close to him at all. but i know that can be impossible at times so the only real solution is to speak up each and everytime. which though speakin out of experience is also not as easy said than done. on top of all this I dont know how old he is..and not that its an excuse but older generations are definitely more stubborn and less understanding when it comes to problems like this and Im not sure the best way to approach them ...but there has to be a secret....
worse case scenario...avoid him and vent here as much as you need....and try to get out more...meeting new people your age...like find support groups...things to do for free....
as for the grandfather: I think it is more a matter of respect. If you had respect for me and my body you would not keep touching me without my expressed permission. It does not matter why I do not like being touched, what matters is your disrespect of my person in that you keep touching me after I told you I DO NOT LIKE IT.
Say something along those lines, could help. and to be honest, the grandpa sounds like a creep.
Do you currently have any sort of mental health councler at this time? because you *really* need to keep up with one even when you are doing well.... because relaps like this happen. Also, depending on the level of anxiety, did you know you may qualify for SSI? and if you do get on SSI all those programs that are closed to you right now open up.
I am 26 years old, and still live with my mother and step-dad. outside of the internet my closest (physically, not emotionally) friend is still 20 miles away... next closest is 60 miles away! then we are talking another STATE.... so I understand being isolated, which is *really* not good for the depression. All I can say is, try to find some where within walking distance to be around other people... even if you do not talk or interact with them. Go to the mall and sit and watch the people, go to a libary... simpley being around other humans can help, even if you are unable to speak with them, or dont want to.
find me on facebook if you want to talk... wolfyknight@yahoo.com scott knight
I had considered going to school at UNC-Pembroke which is in the next town over, but since I'm considered out of state, the tuition is not something I can afford. Even for one class. I did go to get a library card thinking I could spend some time there, but I guess they don't like 'outsiders' down here, I don't think I will be going back to that particular library.
We don't have a lot of money and gas prices are kind of high. Plus my grandfather has to make a big deal about us wasting money if we want to go out.
LG- He's in his seventies. Yeah he's stubborn and well, an ass. And apparently he's always been that way. My mom was just hoping he would treat me differently as he had always been decent towards me when I was growing up as I had spent a lot of time with him when i was little.