again, not as much drama though
OfflineSo you guys remember the drama I posted earlier this year? Yeah well, got good news and bad news...
The good news is none of that is really present anymore. Things happen, in the end the other freshie's gave up and we all went about our normal lives.
Bad news? Only thing that got worse was the girl I told you guys I'm in love with. Maria, yeah well basically I did a royal screw up with her. Basically I had some break downs in school earlier this year, and finally around new years confessed to her the truth was I was struggling with my feelings for her and didn't know what to do.
It turned into an intense talk, not really an arguement, but she said I bs'ed her cause I always avoided facing the problem, and make it seem like everything was okay when it wasn't. I didn't realize it at the time but she was right... and I basically lost her trust.... for the next month I just worked on being her friend, I stopped being all depressive and took things for what they were, and i did some soul searching. But Feb. I wrote her a letter of apology telling her how sorry I was and realizing she had every right to feel the way she did. I explained that I would work on gaining her trust back and how I wanted to open up to her. I also told her again I still had feelings for her. She read the letter in front of me, but we never talked about it.
When we talk now I still feel a bit off since it's not as open as it was before, I know she was hurt but what I did, and it all just really sucks. Because I realize compared to most people, there are things I get about her. Like when she talks about, anything.... I can hear what she's saying between the lines, and whenever I'm upset she just looks at me and knows.
I just get confused cause the times I decide to open up to her and explain something her eyes light up and she gets happy. Like I get she's happy I'm opening up but at the same thing it makes me still think there's hope. Plus I do compliment her and say things to hint that I'm still interested, she accepts it and doesn't get upset. But now she talks about guys rather than 'people' which is how she refered to the kinds of people she's attracted to. Thing is, like, I do fit her supposed type.
I guess the one thing about this whole thing that just sucks is how I can't seem to cry anymore. Like I can get a bit teary but it's almost like I'm all dried up. That's never happened to me before, and it's hard to deal with. Aside from that things are just soo different with her, our talks aren't the same, our convo's are shorter and sometimes awkward, it just kinda bites...
At one point I plan on asking her for a chance, and I'll let you guys know what happens.. Until then... gosh I don't know. I just needed to rant, or whatever... yeah. =/ ..... .=)
So This will be the last time I'm talking about this, sooo I finally things seemed to get better. I rather not go into details but for about a week we became closer, friends wise. I read it as signals, so about two weeks later I brought it up with her how I was feeling, then she told me she was fully trying to just be my friend. And for the first time she actually said the words I'm not interested rather than implying but never saying flat out. I guess that made it snap for me and after two days I felt like wow.... I'm actually over her. But during our convo she asked if she needed to back off from me, I told her I was good except when she got really physically close to me, like obviously that didn't bother me, which is exactly why she couldn't do it anymore. So she said okay, then I found out a day later she didn't understand it and asked another friend about, which made me upset cause she decided to move away from me in every class and not talk to me. Like I got it, but I was deciding to sorta let it be, this always happens when we have a talk about this stuff...
So then after that week I was suppose to go to a friends house but got in a huge fight with my dad, and it made me feel really bad about myself so I vented about it online, saying I hated myself. It was mainly about my dad but one line of my status was about her too, the end of it I put I hate my life... and she saw it and hit me up, asking what was going on. Being the me I am I played it off saying I was just bummed. Then she went like how I was not just bummed and she knew she was somehow invovled with it in one way or another. I told her yeah but like whatever, I'm already over her that way anyway. She said okay but what about our friendship..... She said it wasn't the same, we couldn't be friends anymore.... best friends, whatever. She said I was the only thing in her life holding her back, and she didn't want me to hurt her anymore, or give me the chance to.
We talked for two hours, and after awhile we bagan writing quick poems back and forth. Me asking her to give me a chance even though I didn't deserve it, and I would be there for her even if I needed to give her a lot of space. She went to say how I would say something like that but it's not possible and I shouldn't hope and all this other stuff.
It's been nine days since we stopped being friends, I cried nearly every day. Only at home though, and I was talking to one our mutual best friends (that's what also sucks cause her best friends as my best friends at the same time, so we still talk every day, it's just more restricted and stuff) and asked if she thought I would ever be forgiven by her. My friend said she will just not now cause she's overwhelmed. And honestly, I'm not sure if I should believe it... since my Maria(the girl I stopped being friends with) has cut off other people before I haven't known and I'm not sure she would ever let me in again... but at the same time I've been really sad about it so I believed it... for now.. and it has made me feel a bit better.
It's ironic cause before this fight her and I had I got her birthday gift already, a book cause friends till the end, the true value of freindship, and a letter about how I would thank her for all she put up with me. If only the timing was different or something..
As of the moment, I'm okay, it took me forever before I felt I could write anything on this site but yeah... here it is ><