You ever just feel like nothing you do helps?

Like solution after solution after fucking solution nothing helps???

Thats how i feel right now. Both my car and my girlfriend's car have something wrong with them. My girlfriend's more so than mine. My mom told me she can get me a car for 1600 dollars but it has to be in my name, which fine i do get, she's paying so it's understandable she wants it in her daughter's name, but then my car, it has a leak, and anytime i tell my mom something about fixing it she comes up with another reason why i shouldnt. why there's something wrong with it. Why it's not worth it. Like today i called the auto shop i always go to and he said he'll look at it for 25-35 dollars and if i decide to have him fix it then he can wave that fee. Instead of being supportive my mom is just like well i'll tell you this much its gonna be too much to fix and basically bitches at me.

She's buying one car for me and is hanging it over my head, says i dont ahve to pay it but yet she'll bitch about how she paid for it. i told her not to even bother buyin it and she's like no i have to and blah blah. Fuck me. You're screwing me over basically. instead of having two cars we'll be back to just one. which makes no sense.

My mom sees my girlfriend as another source of income. and i feel thats all she sees her as. no i take that back she sees her as someone that can fix her computer and a source of income and thats it. she doesnt get that she's my girlfriend and she should even if she doesnt like her at least respect her.

She's the reason have the arguments happen between me and my girlfriend because im constantly defending each of them to eachother. i dont feel like this is right i dont think i should have to be always defending the other. if they have problems we liv e together damn it why cant they work em out???

oh because neither of them willl talk theyll say what the other wants to hear or more so my girlfriend will just listen and say what my mom wants to hear and even then my mom is a bitch to her so now what??

School is the only thing going perfect. but im starting to get tension headaches again because of all this and i dont have medicine and this is what fucked up my semester last year. and i refuse to let it happen again i refuse to. i dont care if everything gets fucked up school wont.

Bills that i have to pay:

$200-bank. My own fault

total combined medical bills from last year-$600

Phone bill:$430

credit cards-600(10 a month so i can handle that. but its gonna take forever to pay them off!)

and on top of all this the cars..so wtf do i do???

i cant play middle man anymore but they wont talk. not about serious stuff so what choice do i have?. I feel like my head is going to explode.

On top of all this ive been having nightmares and just breakdowns of when i was younger.(side story)

When i was like 11 or so my brother raped me, and like nothing happened to him never was punished nothing at all. there were apologies but no one ever knew and nothing ever happened. he went to therapy. ya. i said he. he was saying he was gonna kill himself so they put him in therapy. Not that i wanted therapy anyways. but you would think hey we should prolly do something. well anyways. im 20 now and i seemed to have let go or move on if you will, except for every now and then i get a feeling or an emotion that brings me back and like all i want is to be alone. i cant explain it to anyone not even my gf who im sure wants to know, but i just want to be left alone not touched not hugged not anything. and there's certain triggers and its never the same trigger but it just triggers me back to that day and like i cant shake it.

this morning i woke up to a nightmare of my mom and my brother talking and basically ignoring me and like there's more to it but it pissed me off i woke up crying and pissed off because it reminded me of how it was he got all the special treatment and i was just kinda ...there if that makes sense if not yea i know. oh well.

anyways. i dont know what to do about anything. like i just dont.

oh to add to my pissed off-ness yea. its my word for the day. yesterday i was home ALL DAY, in my room doing hw and relaxing. all fucking day. i didnt go out or anything. then later that night my mom casually tells me "oh YOU MISSED arianna earlier" WTF?!?!?! my newest niece comes over and instead of yelling up the stairs to me you decide to not even tell me she's here. and then say I MISSED HER?? Im sorry but how is that my fault??????? and why didnt you call me?? i never get to see her because of school and when she finally is over my hgouse you cant even tell me??? thanks.


she says oh she was sleeping the whole time. i dont care wtf. if she was awake she wouldnt have been doing anything different. but thanks no really thanks.

-im done. with everything.