Ugh...Help?

Posted on: December 21, 2008 - 8:53pm
Ugh...Help?
So I dated this girl for a year, and she was my first everything. Love...the whole nine yards. And it was amazing.  She only ever dated guys in the past, so we always hid from her family because they're crazy. I mean, crazy. Everything was going just dandy until the end of summer, when she said she wanted to go on a break, because she was tied of lying to her parents. So of course, being the loving girlfriend I am, I said fine. It all went down hill....


So it basically amounts to, 2 weeks ago, she told me her lame-ass god finally appeared to her and she realized that "this" wasn't the path she was meant to be on, that she was straight, I was immoral, blahblahblah, can we still be friends? I stopped talking to her cuz it hurts, but I just can't get her off my mind. I was wondering if I'm overreacting being pissed, or if I have probable cause? And, do you ever get over your first love?


:( thanks

Posted on: December 21, 2008 - 11:32pm #1
wow. sounds like another psycho. I'm sorry, I've been very insensitive lately, but damn. First thing, stop trying to get answers. (unless you can break into her email..wait what?) anyway,  She's not ok, and never was ok, with herself, and therefore anyone else around her and in her life. So she's the one with problems. You can't ever change what someone thinks about anything, including themselves. You did everything you could to save/help the relationship because YOU care. She obviously never really did and probably got some thrill out of being "a bad little 'lesbian' " and lying to her parents.

And she wants to be friends even though you're so "immoral". wtf?? Get away. Get as far away as possible, and whenever YOU can, just don't talk to her. My last relationship was my 'first' for things as well, and its getting close to being two years ago (yeah, I've been busy with other things...lol anyway) and what made it better was NOT having any communication with her whatsoever. I think alot of relationships, PERIOD that end up being friends and shit are usually crap and only end up leading to more pain. (I didn't say ALL)

Besides that, this one sounds like she'd only drag you down anyway, even as a friend. I don' t know about you, but I wouldn't want someone that I considered a close, good friend to always be thinking in the back of their mind that I was immoral, wrong, or disgusting.

You're not overeacting in the slightest. YOU just need to do whatever YOU need to do to get through this. (short of anything illegal *cough*) And yeah I'm over mine, can't even really say I'm angry. Well, I tend to be angry ( :) ) (that's a smiley in parenthesis) but not about that. Please, its like a paper. You get a bad grade, well there'll be more papers. Trust me, she's not your final, we've got plenty of weeks left in the semester. :P But you have to WANT for it to be done with for you to really get over it. She was just a BAD topic. ;) Good luck! and stay strong!
Posted on: December 22, 2008 - 2:27pm #2
I love that song by Stacie Orrico called “Stuck”. It reminds me of that "obsessional love" you have with those first few "crushes" and "boyfriends/girlfriends". Can you remember your first boy/girlfriend? Do you not remember how you were hopelessly, passionately, and intensely in love? That person was to solve all your problems, and you were just convinced that this love affair would last forever. And it didn't work. The fact is, you weren't ready. You needed time to mature. The process of maturity takes a lifetime, though many of us erroneously think we have all the answers by the time we move on to our next relationship. I'm going to tell you what I think are some relationships that are "doomed" for heart break.
For gay people, relationships are complicated. For one thing, society doesn't generally uphold gay relationships as being valid. Also, unlike our heterosexual counterparts, there are really no public gay couples for the rest of us to model. The gay couples that are public are fairly dysfunctional, and usually do not last. With that added stress, gay couples further find ways to more or less sabotage their happiness.

My biggest word of caution is to those who want to pursue a person who is not out.

Sure, the idea of “forbidden love” is a little hot - at first. A relationship with an “undercover homo” (I call them that because the only way you really know they’re gay is after you’ve had sex with them) is destined for drama. First of all, if one of you is out and the other isn’t, it is impossible for you to be on the same developmental level. To me, the closet case is psychosexually a child, scared of the dark yet unwilling to turn on the light. The ones who date closet cases date them for a variety of reasons. Think about this: chances are, s/he’s still in the closet because s/he fears (or knows) that his/her family would hate/disown him/her and his/her life would be hell if anyone knew. If the out one went through a terrible time during his/her coming out process (which chances are many of us did) instead of dealing with all those unresolved issues that came about (such as identity formation, feelings of rejection or resentment, self-reconciliation, body image, etc) s/he decides to take on the “savior” role. Anyone who takes on the role of a savior is really someone with a substantially low self-esteem. This is played out in the effort to save the closet case. By you “saving” him/her, s/he will “need” you. Her/His “need” for you means you are important - it’s an attempt to bolster your very fragile sense of worth that was called in to question when you were coming out. 9 times out of 10, this is an unconscious process. And it DOESN’T work.

 Truth and honesty are the cornerstones of intimacy. If this boy is chronically lying about going places with you, being in a “relationship” (as if you could call it that), and the whole thing is based on deceit - you really shouldn’t be in it. Consider this: how would it make you feel if s/he were given the choice between you or lying, you’d always have to wonder if you’d be chosen?
Posted on: December 22, 2008 - 2:49pm #3
I got so caught up in my little rant I didn't even address the most important part of your post :p

I don't think you are over-reacting at all over this. I don't know if you've ever heard of the "stages of grief" that were theorized by Kubler-Ross (in her book On Death and Dying).
All relationships that come to an end (whether it be through death or breaking up) involve some type of grieving process.

The stages go as follows: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

They aren't really in a nice clean order like that, and it's more common to exerpience multiple emotions at the same time.

I think people who can't get over their exes get stuck in one of those stages. They never come to acceptance of the loss. Depending on how traumatic the breakup was for you (ie: if there was figthing involved, if hurtful words were shared, if it ended up in your social circle being lost or limitted, if parents got involved, etc) will have a huge effect on how easy it is to accept/how easy it is to get over. Dealing with that really isn't within the scope of an online post, so I won't go into it.

Do you ever get over your first love? Yes and No.

Yes, in the sense that you won't always obsess over him/her. You won't always think that s/he was the greatest person in the whole world and you'll never find anyone that will be as good. You won't always want to go back to him/her.

No, in the sense that you'll be comparing future companions with him/her (after all, they were the first person you fell in love with, so they serve as a baseline to which you compare future love interests with), You might periodically think about him/her forever (note the difference between "think" and "obsess"). You might have ongoing issues to deal with that were brought out when you were with him/her (ie: dependency, control, self-esteem, etc).

Let this loss be a learning experience for you. You can look at this and determine what qualities you fell in love with. It gives you an idea of what to look for in potential companions. Loot at this and determine what you would never want in a future relationship (deceit, inequality, denial, religious intolerance, etc). This is the healthy way to compare future relationships to your ex. Don't make them "live up" to the "standard" of your ex, but instead, compare the failed relationship and what it taught you to the future presentation of other relationships.