alright, so y'all know i was in DC for about 11 days visiting my girl. well things went kinda south and it's mostly my fault. i made a big mistake the first couple nights, i really shouldn't have drank so much, cuz stuff happened and i started it, and it pretty much made the whole trip a little bit awkward for me. the whole time i was there i just kinda felt like i was like in the way and that my girl would've rather just been with jc and hans. i only really got to spend three nights alone with her and two of those nights nothing happened between us, so i was feeling pretty unwanted. she finally kinda noticed that i was kinda put off and we talked about it a little and she said it wasn't that she didn't want me there it was just that the three of them have their routines and are so used to being around eachother and stuff. needless to say that didn't exactly make me feel better because i know if i was in her position i would have pissed my friends off and spent as much time with her as humanly possible.

so just to clarify i'm head over heels for this girl, like i've changed my usual ways a lot for her. she's the only person i wanted to be with, and that's a very new feeling for me. so over the course of the week i just kept getting that feeling that she didn't exactly feel the same way about me, and everyday it just got increasingly more obvious. so the last night i was there, we all went bowling (there was about 16 people i think) and she pretty much completely blew me off, which i wrote off as her just not wanting to act the wrong way around caldwell (who's a white rope in the CG) so i just had fun with everyone else and drank and all that good stuff. but then we get back to the barracks (i got back after her cuz i went with some other people to mcdonald's to get a shake) and all she wanted to do was go to bed, even though hans and jc were going to sleep upstairs so we could have some alone time. so i pulled a retardedly naive move and had her read something i wrote for her and afterwards she said she couldn't say the same back to me (which i had already pretty much figured out) because she's still not quite over an ex. but i should have known it was too early in our relationship to do something like that. so now my heart is in pieces, and i've never really had my heart broken before, because i've never really let myself get so attached to anyone (besides my best friend) before. i talked to courtney yesterday a little bit and now we're just friends, and that's pretty much killing me inside. it hurts even more because i brought it upon myself, the first time i really let myself open up and i get crushed. but i guess it's just karma for what i've done to girls in the past, because i've broken three girls hearts not just once but about twice each and i guess now it's my turn to know what it's like.