Insert Narrative Hook Here

Posted on: September 3, 2008 - 6:32pm
Insert Narrative Hook Here
i needed someone to know i needed to tell someone that is not my bestfriend but someone i can trust enough so this does not come back to get me so i figured trust those who dont know you on a site that he doesnt know about this can either be the best idea ive ever had or the worst mistake of my life i guess i will find out for all who know me know i shut everyone out i have for a while but over the past year i got alot worse i only let a few people stay close to me not even and intentional thing i just kind of stopped talking to people Destiny, Jon and Micheal are the few who i let in im not sure if thats good or not micheal is new to my life ive only known him for a few weeks now but from the first time i looked at him i knew i wanted to get closer to him as time has gone on i have learned more micheal was not always micheal micheal at one point was michelle he got the surgery over the summer not that it made a differance to me if anything it did make me feel closer to him i talk to him everyday and im always making plans for us something about him makes me want to be with him all the time i want to hear his laugh and see his smile look into his eyes and hear his relaxed and calm voice i tell him i feel relaxed and safe when im with him none of this is even close to true i and a nervous wreck i start to pull at my clothes and look down stumble on my words and feel like a fool im horrified of letting him down he is so relaxed so calm and proud i get defensive about him fast alot of people know about the surgery and when ever he comes up in a convo the first thing i hear is "you know it was a girl right?" this set me over the edge something as simple as that no harm even meant and i come close to bitch slapping this desire to become closer to him to be there as much as i can to protect and trust and be perfect for him this desire scares me this to me is a sign a sign of weakness and i can not let it be known i can not let the weakness be seen by anyone so i turn to hear to vent for some input hopefully for some answers that i can not come up with soo what do you have to say? oh yeah did i forget to mention  he is straight

Posted on: September 3, 2008 - 8:36pm #1
Reading this, I see a lot of conflict.
On one hand, you voice a desire to trust someone, but you don’t want it to be intimate. It’s like it has to be trust from a distance, obtained through artificial intimacy.

“Distance”, in fact, is a recurrent theme I see in your thoughts that you share here. I think there might be some confusion between intentionally shutting people out and unconsciously shutting people out. I think that you intentionally shut almost everyone out of your life, I don’t think, however, you are conscious of why you did it. In order to “let people in” willfully, you had to willfully shut people out.

I also see some conflict in how you see Michael versus how you see yourself. If he’s relaxed, calm, and proud, I wonder, then, what you are? The only reference to how you are that I see in this is anxious, nervous, lonely, and afraid.

It’s interesting how your post begins and ends with the same theme: I want to trust someone (so you turn to complete strangers) and then at the end, I want to be close to Michael, but I have to turn into a stranger (meaning, Michael can’t know the “real” you, because then you’re weak and undesirable). If Michael is straight, that’s just one more pattern of having limited, distant intimacy - the set-up of a situation  where you won't get what you want.
 
I wonder if looking back, you see other situations where this pattern has occurred?

I feel like you are asking something of us here, in that you are looking for answers that you can't come up with, yet I wish we had been asked the unaswered questions. We may not have anymore answers than you, but we can be with you in your struggle to answer them as well.

<3