Here is a version of the letter to parents for sons who may be or are gay.
Dear Parent,
If you are reading this you are most likely having a really strange day. You are also trying to be a good parent in an extremely confusing situation and you are probably getting lots of information that seems to conflict. You are doing the right thing, right now and you can get through this. There are people out there that can help, and I’m going to try to be one of those people.
I’m going to be honest with you: I am not an ‘expert’, I’m not a doctor of any-ology, and my degree has nothing to do with this area of study. What I am is a father of five and a private music and martial arts teacher who deals with many kids. I’m not going to tell you about the personal lives of my family or students, but I myself grew up in a family that had several individuals who were/are gay and I’ve had to deal with these types of issues directly and indirectly all of my life.
Take a deep breath. Let it out and try to breathe slowly and try to read slowly and think about everything that I’m going to tell you here. You may need to read a little bit at a time and walk away to think. That’s fine: You can come back to it and read more when you are ready.As you read this and other things, please do not assume anything about your loved one just because someone ‘said so’. You may be reading this because you only suspect that you son is gay or because someone told you that your son is gay, or maybe you have discovered it somehow or your son has talked to you about it. If your son has spoken to you about it, try to be understanding and provide a safe, accepting atmosphere, and if your son has not spoken to you about it, you should still provide that atmosphere so that he can do so when ready, if this is indeed the case.
I bet you have found a lot of information about gays, but for the sake of our discussion here, I simply mean that it is the physical and emotional attraction to males by males.Some people disagree, but most boys and men who identify as gay consider it to be their natural sexual orientation.Try to keep your mind open and avoid falling into the trap of believing stereotypes. If you are dealing with a person who identifies as gay remember that he is an individual and not a bundle of social myths and stereotypes. Most studies of homosexuality over the years have actually been studies of gay men and the older the source of information, the more likely that this is the case.Remember that the information presented in these studies tends toward generalizing and may not actually apply to any given individual. People often ask why anyone would choose to be a gay. Consider that most people do not feel that their sexual orientation is a choice. Chances are you don’t feel that your own orientation is a choice. Our best course of action is to respect the identity of our family and friends, assuming nothing.
Different organizations and researchers give different estimations of how many men and boys in our culture identify as gay. These figures are often motivated by different political positions and agendas. I’m not here to get into the finer points of which statistics are to be believed. Gays exist, in fact, quite a few exist, and in significant numbers.
The statistical issue has been a long-standing problem. There are some gays who are ‘out’ (open about sexuality), but some are ‘closeted’ or ‘in the closet’ (secretive or hiding his sexuality) for various reasons. Usually the main reason is fear of familial, spiritual and social rejection (imagine how hard that must be). There has been so much obscuring of the issues surrounding homosexuality that a gay male—especially a young person—often feels alone, but as a parent, you can help your son find safe ways to discover that he is far from alone.
You may have even seen your son date a girl or he may have been seriously in love with or even married to a woman and this seems to conflict with his identity as gay. The fact is that this is not that uncommon and can be due to various things. He may have once been trying to hide or resist his natural attractions. He may have been truly in love and attracted to a female and his identity as gay may have developed slowly. Sexual identity has been known to shift throughout ones’ lifetime. If you want to find out more about the case for your son, you should wait until he is ready to share these things with you and make every effort to make him comfortable sharing.
Gays are characteristic of a complete sexual orientation and orientation is not a choice. It’s not your fault that your son is or may be gay. So you can get over those questions since what you have done as a parent has not made your son gay, but what you do as a parent can certainly contribute to how comfortable and healthy your son is with himself.There isn’t a cure since it isn’t a disorder, but some people are going to assure you that it can be cured or that it is just a phase.That whole phase thing is confusing, because we know that a significant portion of men in our society have at some time or another felt some same sex attraction and then went on to assume a completely straight sociosexual identity. This doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences same sex feelings is going to ‘grow’ out of it. All that it means is that some people experience same sex feelings that they may or may never act on and live a perfectly happy life identifying as straight.But just because some people do feel that they grew out of their same sex attractions does not mean that there is a general pattern in which young men grow out of these feelings.Gays are just as likely to experience the same dating and relationship difficulties as anyone else and are just as capable of having loving long term relationships and sharing lives with one another.
While we are talking about stages and phases, you are going to have some stages and phases of your own. People finding out that their son is gay have been known to experience anger, disbelief, denial, grief—and pretty much every other unpleasant emotion—and even some pleasant ones. I can’t tell you exactly what you are feeling, will feel, or should feel. If at any time you are uncomfortable with what you feel or if your son seems uncomfortable with what you feel, talk to somebody. It could be a friend or a professional and there are also support groups out there. Chances are that wherever you found this letter from me, you will find some links to resources for you, and if not, contact me directly. I used my real name at the end of this letter and I’ll help you find someone to talk to.
One person it may help a lot to talk to is your son: He is going to know more about how he feels than all of the websites, books, and experts out there, and your son is going to honestly care about how you feel. You could even help each other through your mutual concerns. Just be honest, and if you don’t know how your son feels, say so and then ask. While you are being honest, you may want to consider sharing with your son any significant feelings or experiences that you may have or may have had in your own life.
As far as letting other family members know, even another parent, your son should get to decide who will know and when they know, even if this may place you in an awkward situation. Ultimately each person must decide how ‘out’ he wants to be and we as a loved one should respect that choice. Some people are out in a very “we’re here, we’re queer” way (queer has been adopted by many people with non-mainstream sexual or gender identities to identify anyone who is either not straight, or is not birth gender oriented) and wear the t-shirt while others stay completely in the closet.
Sexuality differences also make for social safety issues that you may want to think about. Whether you like it or not, kids and teens experiment, so you may want to consider insuring that your son has a safe place to bring a date even if you have to stretch your own comfort level. Nobody wants a late night call from an angry parent who just found your son making out with theirs. Trust me: It is way worse when this was the first inkling that the other parent had about his or her own son.When straight kids are caught making out in the back seat of a car or in an empty gym, or behind a clothing rack in the mall (and, yes, they think we don’t know) cops, teachers, sales people and security guards handle it with one approach; but when those kids are of the same sex, hurtful things are often said or done—sometimes even physically hurtful things.So think it over, because an ounce of prevention can save a lot of embarrassment and even physical and emotional harm.
The scariest thing for me is the suicide rate among gay men and especially gay young people. I watched one of my children die at birth and I will do anything to never see that happen to one of my other kids. If that means that I have to get over any of my own issues I will, and I have. Suicide is preventable. Don’t bury your son, not for anyone or anything. Be there for that child even if you are confused. Don’t be silent because you are afraid that you might say the wrong thing. Suicide happens; don’t let it happen in your family.
Another common misconception about gays or any LGBT (LGBT is short for lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgender) individuals is the issue of promiscuity. Just because your son has a non-straight sexuality does not make him any more promiscuous than straight kids.And yes, your son may know his sexual orientation and still be a virgin. It doesn’t matter what the sexual orientation of your son is: You need to talk to him about safer sex. If you haven’t yet, you should be researching safer sex and talking to your son. There is a lot of information available on gay health issues and safer sex: Read it, and have your son read it.
You may also be wondering about gender roles and gender identity. Simply put, “Is my son going to start acting like a girl” and what should I do? Do nothing yet, because you may be a little confused on issues. Gender identity is how a person identifies his or herr own gender and leads to what gender role they fill through behavior. Most gays maintain their birth gender identity and the accompanying social gender role. People who are shifting their gender identity away from their birth gender and behaving according to the social roles of the non-birth gender are transgendered and this is not linked to homosexuality through any cause and effect relationship.A transgendered person may be bi, gay or straight.One is not the other.But as a good parent, you may want to explain this detail to your son, because he might think there is a certain way that he is supposed to act, such as ‘queenie’ (stereotypical Hollywood sissy image). Your son is allowed to be as masculine as he feels. And this too may change with time. If your son is young you should assure him that he is an individual and he does not have to adhere to the ideas that others may have about what makes a good gay man or how a gay man should act.
In closing, I want to say that by reading this you are doing what every parent of every GLBT child should be doing: learning and trying. And as long as you are willing to keep learning and trying, you are going to ultimately get this right. You will make mistakes but you can fix them. Love your son, not your gay son. Love your son who is a person who feels and loves and hates and hurts and dreams and wonders, and who maybe happens to also be gay.
Dear Parent,
If you are reading this you are most likely having a really strange day. You are also trying to be a good parent in an extremely confusing situation and you are probably getting lots of information that seems to conflict. You are doing the right thing, right now and you can get through this. There are people out there that can help, and I’m going to try to be one of those people.
I’m going to be honest with you: I am not an ‘expert’, I’m not a doctor of any-ology, and my degree has nothing to do with this area of study. What I am is a father of five and a private music and martial arts teacher who deals with many kids. I’m not going to tell you about the personal lives of my family or students, but I myself grew up in a family that had several individuals who were/are gay and I’ve had to deal with these types of issues directly and indirectly all of my life.
Take a deep breath. Let it out and try to breathe slowly and try to read slowly and think about everything that I’m going to tell you here. You may need to read a little bit at a time and walk away to think. That’s fine: You can come back to it and read more when you are ready. As you read this and other things, please do not assume anything about your loved one just because someone ‘said so’. You may be reading this because you only suspect that you son is gay or because someone told you that your son is gay, or maybe you have discovered it somehow or your son has talked to you about it. If your son has spoken to you about it, try to be understanding and provide a safe, accepting atmosphere, and if your son has not spoken to you about it, you should still provide that atmosphere so that he can do so when ready, if this is indeed the case.
I bet you have found a lot of information about gays, but for the sake of our discussion here, I simply mean that it is the physical and emotional attraction to males by males. Some people disagree, but most boys and men who identify as gay consider it to be their natural sexual orientation. Try to keep your mind open and avoid falling into the trap of believing stereotypes. If you are dealing with a person who identifies as gay remember that he is an individual and not a bundle of social myths and stereotypes. Most studies of homosexuality over the years have actually been studies of gay men and the older the source of information, the more likely that this is the case. Remember that the information presented in these studies tends toward generalizing and may not actually apply to any given individual. People often ask why anyone would choose to be a gay. Consider that most people do not feel that their sexual orientation is a choice. Chances are you don’t feel that your own orientation is a choice. Our best course of action is to respect the identity of our family and friends, assuming nothing.
Different organizations and researchers give different estimations of how many men and boys in our culture identify as gay. These figures are often motivated by different political positions and agendas. I’m not here to get into the finer points of which statistics are to be believed. Gays exist, in fact, quite a few exist, and in significant numbers.
The statistical issue has been a long-standing problem. There are some gays who are ‘out’ (open about sexuality), but some are ‘closeted’ or ‘in the closet’ (secretive or hiding his sexuality) for various reasons. Usually the main reason is fear of familial, spiritual and social rejection (imagine how hard that must be). There has been so much obscuring of the issues surrounding homosexuality that a gay male—especially a young person—often feels alone, but as a parent, you can help your son find safe ways to discover that he is far from alone.
You may have even seen your son date a girl or he may have been seriously in love with or even married to a woman and this seems to conflict with his identity as gay. The fact is that this is not that uncommon and can be due to various things. He may have once been trying to hide or resist his natural attractions. He may have been truly in love and attracted to a female and his identity as gay may have developed slowly. Sexual identity has been known to shift throughout ones’ lifetime. If you want to find out more about the case for your son, you should wait until he is ready to share these things with you and make every effort to make him comfortable sharing.
Gays are characteristic of a complete sexual orientation and orientation is not a choice. It’s not your fault that your son is or may be gay. So you can get over those questions since what you have done as a parent has not made your son gay, but what you do as a parent can certainly contribute to how comfortable and healthy your son is with himself. There isn’t a cure since it isn’t a disorder, but some people are going to assure you that it can be cured or that it is just a phase. That whole phase thing is confusing, because we know that a significant portion of men in our society have at some time or another felt some same sex attraction and then went on to assume a completely straight sociosexual identity. This doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences same sex feelings is going to ‘grow’ out of it. All that it means is that some people experience same sex feelings that they may or may never act on and live a perfectly happy life identifying as straight. But just because some people do feel that they grew out of their same sex attractions does not mean that there is a general pattern in which young men grow out of these feelings. Gays are just as likely to experience the same dating and relationship difficulties as anyone else and are just as capable of having loving long term relationships and sharing lives with one another.
While we are talking about stages and phases, you are going to have some stages and phases of your own. People finding out that their son is gay have been known to experience anger, disbelief, denial, grief—and pretty much every other unpleasant emotion—and even some pleasant ones. I can’t tell you exactly what you are feeling, will feel, or should feel. If at any time you are uncomfortable with what you feel or if your son seems uncomfortable with what you feel, talk to somebody. It could be a friend or a professional and there are also support groups out there. Chances are that wherever you found this letter from me, you will find some links to resources for you, and if not, contact me directly. I used my real name at the end of this letter and I’ll help you find someone to talk to.
One person it may help a lot to talk to is your son: He is going to know more about how he feels than all of the websites, books, and experts out there, and your son is going to honestly care about how you feel. You could even help each other through your mutual concerns. Just be honest, and if you don’t know how your son feels, say so and then ask. While you are being honest, you may want to consider sharing with your son any significant feelings or experiences that you may have or may have had in your own life.
As far as letting other family members know, even another parent, your son should get to decide who will know and when they know, even if this may place you in an awkward situation. Ultimately each person must decide how ‘out’ he wants to be and we as a loved one should respect that choice. Some people are out in a very “we’re here, we’re queer” way (queer has been adopted by many people with non-mainstream sexual or gender identities to identify anyone who is either not straight, or is not birth gender oriented) and wear the t-shirt while others stay completely in the closet.
Sexuality differences also make for social safety issues that you may want to think about. Whether you like it or not, kids and teens experiment, so you may want to consider insuring that your son has a safe place to bring a date even if you have to stretch your own comfort level. Nobody wants a late night call from an angry parent who just found your son making out with theirs. Trust me: It is way worse when this was the first inkling that the other parent had about his or her own son. When straight kids are caught making out in the back seat of a car or in an empty gym, or behind a clothing rack in the mall (and, yes, they think we don’t know) cops, teachers, sales people and security guards handle it with one approach; but when those kids are of the same sex, hurtful things are often said or done—sometimes even physically hurtful things. So think it over, because an ounce of prevention can save a lot of embarrassment and even physical and emotional harm.
The scariest thing for me is the suicide rate among gay men and especially gay young people. I watched one of my children die at birth and I will do anything to never see that happen to one of my other kids. If that means that I have to get over any of my own issues I will, and I have. Suicide is preventable. Don’t bury your son, not for anyone or anything. Be there for that child even if you are confused. Don’t be silent because you are afraid that you might say the wrong thing. Suicide happens; don’t let it happen in your family.
Another common misconception about gays or any LGBT (LGBT is short for lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgender) individuals is the issue of promiscuity. Just because your son has a non-straight sexuality does not make him any more promiscuous than straight kids. And yes, your son may know his sexual orientation and still be a virgin. It doesn’t matter what the sexual orientation of your son is: You need to talk to him about safer sex. If you haven’t yet, you should be researching safer sex and talking to your son. There is a lot of information available on gay health issues and safer sex: Read it, and have your son read it.
You may also be wondering about gender roles and gender identity. Simply put, “Is my son going to start acting like a girl” and what should I do? Do nothing yet, because you may be a little confused on issues. Gender identity is how a person identifies his or herr own gender and leads to what gender role they fill through behavior. Most gays maintain their birth gender identity and the accompanying social gender role. People who are shifting their gender identity away from their birth gender and behaving according to the social roles of the non-birth gender are transgendered and this is not linked to homosexuality through any cause and effect relationship. A transgendered person may be bi, gay or straight. One is not the other. But as a good parent, you may want to explain this detail to your son, because he might think there is a certain way that he is supposed to act, such as ‘queenie’ (stereotypical Hollywood sissy image). Your son is allowed to be as masculine as he feels. And this too may change with time. If your son is young you should assure him that he is an individual and he does not have to adhere to the ideas that others may have about what makes a good gay man or how a gay man should act.
In closing, I want to say that by reading this you are doing what every parent of every GLBT child should be doing: learning and trying. And as long as you are willing to keep learning and trying, you are going to ultimately get this right. You will make mistakes but you can fix them. Love your son, not your gay son. Love your son who is a person who feels and loves and hates and hurts and dreams and wonders, and who maybe happens to also be gay.
Sincerely,
Robert L. Barton Robtbarton@yahoo.com