Here is a version for parents who have a daughtetr who is or may be a lesbian.
Dear Parent,
If you are reading this you are most likely having a really strange day. You are also trying to be a good parent in an extremely confusing situation and you are probably getting lots of information that seems to conflict. You are doing the right thing, right now and you can get through this. There are people out there that can help, and I’m going to try to be one of those people.
I’m going to be honest with you: I am not an ‘expert’, I’m not a doctor of any-ology, and my degree has nothing to do with this area of study. What I am is a father of five and a private music and martial arts teacher who deals with many kids. I’m not going to tell you about the personal lives of my family or students, but I myself grew up in a family that had several individuals who were/are lesbian and I’ve had to deal with these types of issues directly and indirectly all of my life.
Take a deep breath. Let it out and try to breathe slowly and try to read slowly and think about everything that I’m going to tell you here. You may need to read a little bit at a time and walk away to think. That’s fine: You can come back to it and read more when you are ready.As you read this and other things, please do not assume anything about your loved one just because someone ‘said so’. You may be reading this because you only suspect that your daughter is lesbian or because someone told you that your daughter is lesbian, or maybe you have discovered it somehow or your daughter has talked to you about it. If your daughter has spoken to you about it, try to be understanding and provide a safe, accepting atmosphere, and if your daughter has not spoken to you about it, you should still provide that atmosphere so that she can do so when ready, if this is indeed the case.
I bet you have found a lot of information about lesbians, but for the sake of our discussion here, I simply mean that it is the physical and emotional attraction to females by females.Some people disagree, but most girls and women who identify as lesbian consider it to be their natural sexual orientation.Try to keep your mind open and avoid falling into the trap of believing stereotypes. If you are dealing with a person who identifies as lesbian remember that she is an individual and not a bundle of social myths and stereotypes. Most studies of homosexuality over the years have actually been studies of gay men and the older the source of information, the more likely that this is the case.Remember that the information presented in these studies tends toward generalizing and may not actually apply to any given individual. People often ask why anyone would choose to be a lesbian. Consider that most people do not feel that their sexual orientation is a choice. Chances are you don’t feel that your own orientation is a choice. Our best course of action is to respect the identity of our family and friends, assuming nothing.
Different organizations and researchers give different estimations of how many women and girls in our culture identify as lesbian. These figures are often motivated by different political positions and agendas. I’m not here to get into the finer points of which statistics are to be believed. Lesbians exist, in fact, quite a few exist, and in significant numbers.
The statistical issue has been a long-standing problem. There are some lesbians who are ‘out’ (open about sexuality), but some are ‘closeted’ or ‘in the closet’ (secretive or hiding her sexuality) for various reasons. Usually the main reason is fear of familial, spiritual and social rejection (imagine how hard that must be). There has been so much obscuring of the issues surrounding homosexuality that a lesbian—especially a young person—often feels alone, but as a parent, you can help your daughter find safe ways to discover that she is far from alone.
You may have even seen your daughter date a man or she may have been seriously in love with or even married to a man and this seems to conflict with her identity as a lesbian. The fact is that this is not that uncommon and can be due to various things. She may have once been trying to hide or resist her natural attractions. She may have been truly in love and attracted to a male and her identity as a lesbian may have developed slowly. Sexual identity has been known to shift throughout ones’ lifetime. If you want to find out more about the case for your daughter, you should wait until she is ready to share these things with you and make every effort to make her comfortable sharing.
Lesbians are characteristic of a complete sexual orientation and orientation is not a choice. It’s not your fault that your daughter is or may be lesbian. So you can get over those questions since what you have done as a parent has not made your daughter lesbian, but what you do as a parent can certainly contribute to how comfortable and healthy your daughter is with herself.There isn’t a cure since it isn’t a disorder, but some people are going to assure you that it can be cured or that it is just a phase.That whole phase thing is confusing, because we know that a significant portion of women in our society have at some time or another felt some same sex attraction and then went on to assume a completely straight sociosexual identity. This doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences lesbian feelings is going to ‘grow’ out of it. All that it means is that some people experience same sex feelings that they may or may never act on and live a perfectly happy life identifying as straight.But just because some people do feel that they grew out of their same sex attractions does not mean that there is a general pattern in which young ladies grow out of these feelings.Lesbians are just as likely to experience the same dating and relationship difficulties as anyone else and are just as capable of having loving long term relationships and sharing lives with one another.
While we are talking about stages and phases, you are going to have some stages and phases of your own. People finding out that their daughter is lesbian have been known to experience anger, disbelief, denial, grief—and pretty much every other unpleasant emotion—and even some pleasant ones. I can’t tell you exactly what you are feeling, will feel, or should feel. If at any time you are uncomfortable with what you feel or if your daughter seems uncomfortable with what you feel, talk to somebody. It could be a friend or a professional and there are also support groups out there. Chances are that wherever you found this letter from me, you will find some links to resources for you, and if not, contact me directly. I used my real name at the end of this letter and I’ll help you find someone to talk to.
One person it may help a lot to talk to is your daughter: She is going to know more about how she feels than all of the websites, books, and experts out there, and your daughter is going to honestly care about how you feel. You could even help each other through your mutual concerns. Just be honest, and if you don’t know how your daughter feels, say so and then ask. While you are being honest, you may want to consider sharing with your daughter any significant feelings or experiences that you may have or may have had in your own life.
As far as letting other family members know, even another parent, your daughter should get to decide who will know and when they know, even if this may place you in an awkward situation. Ultimately each person must decide how ‘out’ she wants to be and we as a loved one should respect that choice. Some people are out in a very “we’re here, we’re queer” way (queer has been adopted by many people with non-mainstream sexual or gender identities to identify anyone who is either not straight, or is not birth gender oriented) and wear the t-shirt while others stay completely in the closet.
Sexuality differences also make for social safety issues that you may want to think about. Whether you like it or not, kids and teens experiment, so you may want to consider insuring that your daughter has a safe place to bring a date even if you have to stretch your own comfort level. Nobody wants a late night call from an angry parent who just found your daughter making out with theirs. Trust me: It is way worse when this was the first inkling that the other parent had about his or her own daughter.When straight kids are caught making out in the back seat of a car or in an empty gym, or behind a clothing rack in the mall (and, yes, they think we don’t know) cops, teachers, sales people and security guards handle it with one approach; but when those kids are of the same sex, hurtful things are often said or done—sometimes even physically hurtful things.So think it over, because an ounce of prevention can save a lot of embarrassment and even physical and emotional harm.
The scariest thing for me is the suicide rate among gay and lesbian young people. I watched one of my children die at birth and I will do anything to never see that happen to one of my other kids. If that means that I have to get over any of my own issues I will, and I have. Suicide is preventable. Don’t bury your daughter, not for anyone or anything. Be there for that child even if you are confused. Don’t be silent because you are afraid that you might say the wrong thing. Suicide happens; don’t let it happen in your family.
Another common misconception about lesbians or any LGBT (LGBT is short for Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgender) individuals is the issue of promiscuity. Just because your daughter has a non-straight sexuality does not make her any more promiscuous than straight kids.And yes, your daughter may know her sexual orientation and still be a virgin. It doesn’t matter what the sexual orientation of your daughter is: You need to talk to her about safer sex. If you haven’t yet, you should be researching safer sex and talking to your daughter. There is a lot of information available on lesbian health issues and safer sex: Read it, and have your daughter read it.
You may also be wondering about gender roles and gender identity. Simply put, “Is my daughter going to start acting like a boy” and what should I do? Do nothing yet, because you may be a little confused on issues. Gender identity is how a person identifies their own gender and leads to what gender role they fill through behavior. Most lesbians maintain their birth gender identity and the accompanying social gender role. People who are shifting their gender identity away from their birth gender and behaving according to the social roles of the non-birth gender are transgendered and this is not linked to homosexuality through any cause and effect relationship.A transgendered person may be bi, gay or straight.One is not the other.But as a good parent, you may want to explain this detail to your daughter, because she might think there is a certain way that she is supposed to act, such as ‘butch’ (stereotypical dyke image). Your daughter is allowed to be as feminine or masculine as she feels. And this too may change with time. If your daughter is young you should assure her that she is an individual and she does not have to adhere to the ideas that others may have about what makes a good lesbian or how a lesbian should act.
In closing, I want to say that by reading this you are doing what every parent of every GLBT child should be doing: learning and trying. And as long as you are willing to keep learning and trying, you are going to ultimately get this right. You will make mistakes but you can fix them. Love your daughter, not your lesbian daughter. Love your daughter who is a person who feels and loves and hates and hurts and dreams and wonders, and who maybe happens to also be lesbian.
Dear Parent,
If you are reading this you are most likely having a really strange day. You are also trying to be a good parent in an extremely confusing situation and you are probably getting lots of information that seems to conflict. You are doing the right thing, right now and you can get through this. There are people out there that can help, and I’m going to try to be one of those people.
I’m going to be honest with you: I am not an ‘expert’, I’m not a doctor of any-ology, and my degree has nothing to do with this area of study. What I am is a father of five and a private music and martial arts teacher who deals with many kids. I’m not going to tell you about the personal lives of my family or students, but I myself grew up in a family that had several individuals who were/are lesbian and I’ve had to deal with these types of issues directly and indirectly all of my life.
Take a deep breath. Let it out and try to breathe slowly and try to read slowly and think about everything that I’m going to tell you here. You may need to read a little bit at a time and walk away to think. That’s fine: You can come back to it and read more when you are ready. As you read this and other things, please do not assume anything about your loved one just because someone ‘said so’. You may be reading this because you only suspect that your daughter is lesbian or because someone told you that your daughter is lesbian, or maybe you have discovered it somehow or your daughter has talked to you about it. If your daughter has spoken to you about it, try to be understanding and provide a safe, accepting atmosphere, and if your daughter has not spoken to you about it, you should still provide that atmosphere so that she can do so when ready, if this is indeed the case.
I bet you have found a lot of information about lesbians, but for the sake of our discussion here, I simply mean that it is the physical and emotional attraction to females by females. Some people disagree, but most girls and women who identify as lesbian consider it to be their natural sexual orientation. Try to keep your mind open and avoid falling into the trap of believing stereotypes. If you are dealing with a person who identifies as lesbian remember that she is an individual and not a bundle of social myths and stereotypes. Most studies of homosexuality over the years have actually been studies of gay men and the older the source of information, the more likely that this is the case. Remember that the information presented in these studies tends toward generalizing and may not actually apply to any given individual. People often ask why anyone would choose to be a lesbian. Consider that most people do not feel that their sexual orientation is a choice. Chances are you don’t feel that your own orientation is a choice. Our best course of action is to respect the identity of our family and friends, assuming nothing.
Different organizations and researchers give different estimations of how many women and girls in our culture identify as lesbian. These figures are often motivated by different political positions and agendas. I’m not here to get into the finer points of which statistics are to be believed. Lesbians exist, in fact, quite a few exist, and in significant numbers.
The statistical issue has been a long-standing problem. There are some lesbians who are ‘out’ (open about sexuality), but some are ‘closeted’ or ‘in the closet’ (secretive or hiding her sexuality) for various reasons. Usually the main reason is fear of familial, spiritual and social rejection (imagine how hard that must be). There has been so much obscuring of the issues surrounding homosexuality that a lesbian—especially a young person—often feels alone, but as a parent, you can help your daughter find safe ways to discover that she is far from alone.
You may have even seen your daughter date a man or she may have been seriously in love with or even married to a man and this seems to conflict with her identity as a lesbian. The fact is that this is not that uncommon and can be due to various things. She may have once been trying to hide or resist her natural attractions. She may have been truly in love and attracted to a male and her identity as a lesbian may have developed slowly. Sexual identity has been known to shift throughout ones’ lifetime. If you want to find out more about the case for your daughter, you should wait until she is ready to share these things with you and make every effort to make her comfortable sharing.
Lesbians are characteristic of a complete sexual orientation and orientation is not a choice. It’s not your fault that your daughter is or may be lesbian. So you can get over those questions since what you have done as a parent has not made your daughter lesbian, but what you do as a parent can certainly contribute to how comfortable and healthy your daughter is with herself. There isn’t a cure since it isn’t a disorder, but some people are going to assure you that it can be cured or that it is just a phase. That whole phase thing is confusing, because we know that a significant portion of women in our society have at some time or another felt some same sex attraction and then went on to assume a completely straight sociosexual identity. This doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences lesbian feelings is going to ‘grow’ out of it. All that it means is that some people experience same sex feelings that they may or may never act on and live a perfectly happy life identifying as straight. But just because some people do feel that they grew out of their same sex attractions does not mean that there is a general pattern in which young ladies grow out of these feelings. Lesbians are just as likely to experience the same dating and relationship difficulties as anyone else and are just as capable of having loving long term relationships and sharing lives with one another.
While we are talking about stages and phases, you are going to have some stages and phases of your own. People finding out that their daughter is lesbian have been known to experience anger, disbelief, denial, grief—and pretty much every other unpleasant emotion—and even some pleasant ones. I can’t tell you exactly what you are feeling, will feel, or should feel. If at any time you are uncomfortable with what you feel or if your daughter seems uncomfortable with what you feel, talk to somebody. It could be a friend or a professional and there are also support groups out there. Chances are that wherever you found this letter from me, you will find some links to resources for you, and if not, contact me directly. I used my real name at the end of this letter and I’ll help you find someone to talk to.
One person it may help a lot to talk to is your daughter: She is going to know more about how she feels than all of the websites, books, and experts out there, and your daughter is going to honestly care about how you feel. You could even help each other through your mutual concerns. Just be honest, and if you don’t know how your daughter feels, say so and then ask. While you are being honest, you may want to consider sharing with your daughter any significant feelings or experiences that you may have or may have had in your own life.
As far as letting other family members know, even another parent, your daughter should get to decide who will know and when they know, even if this may place you in an awkward situation. Ultimately each person must decide how ‘out’ she wants to be and we as a loved one should respect that choice. Some people are out in a very “we’re here, we’re queer” way (queer has been adopted by many people with non-mainstream sexual or gender identities to identify anyone who is either not straight, or is not birth gender oriented) and wear the t-shirt while others stay completely in the closet.
Sexuality differences also make for social safety issues that you may want to think about. Whether you like it or not, kids and teens experiment, so you may want to consider insuring that your daughter has a safe place to bring a date even if you have to stretch your own comfort level. Nobody wants a late night call from an angry parent who just found your daughter making out with theirs. Trust me: It is way worse when this was the first inkling that the other parent had about his or her own daughter. When straight kids are caught making out in the back seat of a car or in an empty gym, or behind a clothing rack in the mall (and, yes, they think we don’t know) cops, teachers, sales people and security guards handle it with one approach; but when those kids are of the same sex, hurtful things are often said or done—sometimes even physically hurtful things. So think it over, because an ounce of prevention can save a lot of embarrassment and even physical and emotional harm.
The scariest thing for me is the suicide rate among gay and lesbian young people. I watched one of my children die at birth and I will do anything to never see that happen to one of my other kids. If that means that I have to get over any of my own issues I will, and I have. Suicide is preventable. Don’t bury your daughter, not for anyone or anything. Be there for that child even if you are confused. Don’t be silent because you are afraid that you might say the wrong thing. Suicide happens; don’t let it happen in your family.
Another common misconception about lesbians or any LGBT (LGBT is short for Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgender) individuals is the issue of promiscuity. Just because your daughter has a non-straight sexuality does not make her any more promiscuous than straight kids. And yes, your daughter may know her sexual orientation and still be a virgin. It doesn’t matter what the sexual orientation of your daughter is: You need to talk to her about safer sex. If you haven’t yet, you should be researching safer sex and talking to your daughter. There is a lot of information available on lesbian health issues and safer sex: Read it, and have your daughter read it.
You may also be wondering about gender roles and gender identity. Simply put, “Is my daughter going to start acting like a boy” and what should I do? Do nothing yet, because you may be a little confused on issues. Gender identity is how a person identifies their own gender and leads to what gender role they fill through behavior. Most lesbians maintain their birth gender identity and the accompanying social gender role. People who are shifting their gender identity away from their birth gender and behaving according to the social roles of the non-birth gender are transgendered and this is not linked to homosexuality through any cause and effect relationship. A transgendered person may be bi, gay or straight. One is not the other. But as a good parent, you may want to explain this detail to your daughter, because she might think there is a certain way that she is supposed to act, such as ‘butch’ (stereotypical dyke image). Your daughter is allowed to be as feminine or masculine as she feels. And this too may change with time. If your daughter is young you should assure her that she is an individual and she does not have to adhere to the ideas that others may have about what makes a good lesbian or how a lesbian should act.
In closing, I want to say that by reading this you are doing what every parent of every GLBT child should be doing: learning and trying. And as long as you are willing to keep learning and trying, you are going to ultimately get this right. You will make mistakes but you can fix them. Love your daughter, not your lesbian daughter. Love your daughter who is a person who feels and loves and hates and hurts and dreams and wonders, and who maybe happens to also be lesbian.
Sincerely,
Robert L. Barton Robtbarton@yahoo.com