Bittersweet irony

Posted on: October 20, 2009 - 2:12am
Bittersweet irony
I never believed the cliched dramas of romance who expand into an all girls private catholic school. You guys wanna know the drama I'm going through right now, well here's the short version:

First the only girl, scratch that, person I've ever loved I finally got over the first thursday of this month after learning she liked this other girl in my class, which I suspected since march last year but refused to believe it. That girl liked her too, but they didn't get together cause of other guys in their lives. The girl I liked was still googly over her best guy friend and ex and the girl she liked had a bf. Plus, apparently she also got together with this upperclassman. Then this year they broke it off, but all three are still friends, and yes, I'm friends with all three. Then there's the girl that used to be with the girl that was with the girl that the girl I used to like likes. She is questioning if she likes someone in my class while another friend is questioning if she may like that girl. The  latter girl has always been straight, and the former still thinks she herself is straight.

Then I stared crushing on this freshman and I noticed everyday it was becoming more and more like really liking her. Afarid of a repeat of last year's drama with this girl I refused to do anything about it and told people I was over her, which last for like three days before I gave up on that. I just refused to make a move, then around last week I decided I'm not going to deal with romance anymore and I'm going anti-love, since I realized I also developed this fear of relatioships. I still was thinking about the girl I used to love (but my feelings were fading) and the freshman.

Then thursday a friend (another freshman) said that her classmate, who's friend with the frosh I was curshing on, had something important to talk to me about. I suspected her liking me and the next day before the end of school the girl gave me the note from her freind telling me that even though she's not gay or bi she is attrached to me and likes me.... alot. I told her before I left I would talk to her monday.

Immediatly I told like, four friends, (only three from the same school and one of those three the girl I had loved), despite her asking in the note to keep it between us. At first I thought, I bascially didn't really like anyone else so why not, but I thought of why I went anti-love (fear of falling in love and rejection) and after talking it over with my freind (the first girl again) I decided I was going to tell her about I don't like her that way and about my fear and all that.

One of the other girls I told, who I consider a little sister, knew about my former crush on the freshman and is 'straight' and told me after I told her about the note she think she may like the my crush. I told her I was over her and I didn't really have a problem, since she said well I don't want this to happen, I don't want to be with her, and it's only 'cause she's like, dudish. When I reassured her I was alright with it i hung up and then today I just kept thinking I why did I tell her that I may still like her but I don't know.

Then I talked to my 'sis' through text and she was saying how she was bonding with that girl and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. After calming down I talked to, surpise surise, that same froshie on facebook a few hours later where, afterwards, thought to myself 'I don't like her that much why did I panic' and thought it was okay.

So I'm still anti-love, I'm over the love I had last year and I have no idea where I stand with the froshie, plus I have to talk to the other girl who gave me the note tomorrow since I was sick this morning and couldn't go to school.

This is just so messed up with everyone turning bi-curious at the same freaking time. Just I found out after buying this book that I bascially have depression and have had it for the past couple years, and I'm in a period of confusion over my gender identity so whoopie-di-do thank you bittersweet irony. And all this happened in the same freakin' month. Good I love my life...

And sorry that is bascially the short version. I can only exclude so much detail. Can someone give me their opinion or advice on -any- of this, thanks in advance! ^^'

-Sha-doki

Posted on: October 20, 2009 - 9:54pm #1
that was so confusing ,dude.
 i have recently been in almost the same situation.
 And im not sure how i got through it or if i even have yet.
Posted on: October 28, 2009 - 10:52pm #2
Yeah, and it just got more confusing. The girl I was in love with is no longer with that other girl. I'm become really infatuated with the freshie, the one who likes me I still haven't talked to her but I just wrote a note I'm going to give her tomorrow to tell her I'm not interested plus another freshie just told me she likes me. I told her we talked but we both told each other -- like I told her about the other freshie I like and she told me she likes me and one of my classmates. So yeah.... more and more drama. And my friend who liked one of the older girls found out she likes her back, but they both don't wanna rush into anything, ie they're not going to date. But, I have to go on a trip with the freshmen tomorrow to new york and I'm just sooo glad that the girls involved aren't in the group I'm in charge of! (//_=;) I can't take all the change
Posted on: October 29, 2009 - 2:27pm #3
dude, you need to like give these people numbers instead of the "first freshie" and stuff like that, that's what's making it confusing for us.

but on a different note, i get the gist of what you're saying, and my advice would be to stay away from relationships for a while. because if everyone is going through their bi-curious phase right now you probably don't want to be the one they experiment with, cuz that sucks. so really, just remove yourself from the situation of liking everybody and wait it out until the real gay girls come out and the fakers go back to liking dick. best course of action is always disassociate yourself from the drama.
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Posted on: November 3, 2009 - 12:46am #4
Okay, yeah, my bad. Freshie I'm kinda into is Battie, freshie that likes me and I gave her a note saying I'm not interested is Kay, the other freshie I said I would talk with is CeeCee.

Kay is okay now with me, after the note she told me she was sad because she thought I liked her, but we're cool. And I told CeeCee after a few convo's I'm not interested and she flipped and started making all these stories about how I screwed with her emotions and that it really wasn't her talking to me (we didn't talk at school, only through text's and pm's) which I got upset over and then she told me she cuts herself and she was going to do that again (I'm actually going to go to a counscler about it tomorrow)

Sad thing is the whole bi thing isn't a phase for most people at our school. My 'sis' said she doesn't like Battie like she thought, but it wasn't fake because she did cry about it....

And now I have another probelm again. (Sad ain't it -- like a freakin' soap I swear) The girl that's my first love, Maria let's call her. We've been talking.... a lot more lately, and it's almost like we're flirting without flirting? I guess, I don't know. My 'sis' was telling me over the phone that Maria was wearing the braclet she accidently took from me a few days ago all day long (I didn't go to school again today -- mondays and me just don't mix, and I TOLD Maria I wasn't going today too) and was this may sound weird but I'm like, known for how much I like my hair, even if it's not good. And then maria was telling my sis how she liked her hair and she was going like 'Oh, but you're hair is second two Jen's, her's is like, number one to me.' or something along those lines. And it's weird cause ever time we talk -- it's like, everything is just... okay. I don't know how to explain it.

But I'm not going to make any moves, I stuck my neck out several times for her and always got heartache in return but now... I think I may be hoping a little. Just a little. Oh the irony, the lovely, bittersweet irong *sigh*
Posted on: November 6, 2009 - 6:29pm #5
 ah i know the feeling, that's kinda how it is with me and two of my exes, we're still cool with eachother but it's like weird, right? cuz you still like her and she probably still likes you but you're both unsure wtf to do about it, cuz you don't want to get hurt and she probably knows that she's gunna hurt you again... this kind of situation is nothing new, but i would just say to stay away from her, because things tend to end the same way they did previously and that's not good for anybody. you're young, just hold out for someone new, because trust me, someone new always comes around. sticking to what you're used to is just a vicious painful cycle. and hey, being single isn't such a horrible thing, maybe just go with the flow of things for a while and stay outside the relationship loop.
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Posted on: November 7, 2009 - 6:50pm #6
The thing is that we never dated, like, we were never together. She never intentionly hurt me, she just really didn't know me too well so she pushed me away so as not to give me false hope. But now that we're talking a lot more and she's I wanna say hinted at maybe having some sorta feelings for me. Like when we talked for a while after I had a breakdown during a class retreat and she was telling me how I make her feel like she's really worth something. She tells me she feels like I've trusted her even though she doesn't deserve it and that she just wants to be there for me and take the time to be my friends. And then she said how being friend's is cool isn't it, let's chill in that way for a while.

This was all through chat and right now I have decided to really and try to be her friend and just see where things go from there. Also Battie and I have been chatting too on facebook. Though I don't think I like her anymore I'm kinda focusing on her just so my other friends won't think anything...

I want to thank you guys for letting me vent for these few weeks. It really helps ^^ like, you have no idea. Gracias amigos!
Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 8:45pm #7
 hey sometimes you just need to let it all out, we all need to do it.
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