my girlfriend

Posted on: July 27, 2009 - 9:22pm
my girlfriend
Okay so here it is...cause i dont know what to do so maybe you all can help me

So i asked my girl out on the fouth of july and she said yes...well two weeks into our relationship we had a party for my lil sister Crystal...Jessica (my girl) said she had to go home before her dad left for work...well i was sober so i did not care...she was wasted...i was about the only sober person there...well come to find out two days later i see her my friend mike who ran away cause of reasons and a bunch of other friends....well Kelli...Jessicas best friend told me that she had sex with someone....Crystal told me that Jessica had fucked mike....so i asked mike straight out if they had sex and he told me the truth....so i called her over and asked her out cold if she fucked mike when she told me that she had to go home...she told me the truth after lyin straight to my face about it...i did something that i SWORE on my life i would never do to someone...i smacked her so hard that people 12 feet away could hear.....well we broke up and it killed me cause im falling for her...so we talked about a lot of shit...then the next day me and Jessica got back together...but everytime she is around im scared that she is just goin to hurt me again and i dont think i can handle that...i am not sure what i should do....i love her and she says that she loves me too...i believe her sometimes...but other times i dont...she gets angry and it kills me...i have swore never to hit someone again...i even had my best friend beat the shit out of me for hitting her....

but the question is do i trust her...do i stick around when she is a known cheater....fuck i dont know what to do...please someone leave something and tell me what i should do or what would you do in this situation,,,,


thanks you mucho


 
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And shepherds we shall be, For Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.


Posted on: July 28, 2009 - 11:07am #1
 If you don't mind I would like to break it into different issues.  First, about the nature of relatoinships with people who are bi. Second about the nature of relationships with people who cheat. and Third about the violence aspect.

First, I'm not sure if your girl identifies as bi but obviously she has some bi behavioral history. When getting involved in a relatyionship it is good to clarify these things and decide how to handle them. Some of us bi people are happy being monogamous while others of us find it difficult. People handle this differently some people stay monogamous. Others cheat behind a persons back. Others have an arrangement that allows them to have time with others of a different gender. 
I'm wondering if these things were discussed by you two or if you just assumed that thyis would not be an issue. I'm not saying what I think that you should do but I am saying that I think that you should communicate clearly about these issues and undestand one another. I have an understanding spouse who says that I can be with the opposite gender, but in 12 years it has not happened. But that is our arrangement, but I do not feel trapped by it.

Second thing is about the nature of cheating. You have to decide what cheating is in any relationship. Some people only consider cheating to be going behnd another persons back while some people get upset if they think that you are thinking about another person.  So make sure you discuss where the line is in a relationship. For some people who are bi cheating is only if you are with the same gender as the person whom you are dating. Again i can't tell you what the answers here should be but you should think thuings through and decide if it is cheating for her to be with anyone else or if it is only cheating if she is with another girl or a boy or only if it is behind your back. For me in thie past when i have been with a guy i have never considered it cheating for him to sleep with a girl and if I am with a girl I have never considered it cheating for her to be with another girl. But that is me and that is a very bi person dealing with the situations.

Third there is the violence. I agree that you should not have smacked her. As much as you are wondering if she will hurt you by cheatuing she may be affraid that yopu will hurt her by hitting. These are boith trust issues and you both have crossed a line here, just different lines. having someone beat you was not the answer but it does clue me in to something that may be going on inside of you. If you do something wrong, it isn't right for someone to physically hurt you as punishment. If this violence is done to you even with your permission it says that violemce is ok as a solution here. I'll be the first to say that violence cone be an unfortunately needed thing in defense but never in managing relationships. Until you can say that it is never ok for a person to hit you even when you need to be punished you just are not going to be able to be in a relqationship where you do not have violence as a tool. 
I can't tell you what to do with your relationship with your girl. But I beg you to get rid of your use of violence for punishing others and for self correction. I am going to recommend that you become famiiar with violence through study by getting into a martial arts class where you can learn to manage violence and learn to control it. You will also learn when it is appropriate and not appropriate. Some people are going to say that you should avoid violence but I'm sorry I can't agree. You already have violence as a tool so maybe you should learn more about it and learn to control it and manage it and understand where it belongs and does not belong. Violence shouldn't be part of any romantic relationship.
Look at the Triangle martial arts association website and see if there is an instructor or program near you. If there is go in and be very up front with the instructor about whyat you are there for. If you were in the Boston area I would say come to my class. But go somewhere.
Posted on: July 28, 2009 - 10:53pm #2
Trust is the absolute foundation of all healthy relationships (not limited to romantic ones). When that is gone, the relationship – as you knew it- cannot and will not last.
 
My immediate observation from your story is that all this drama happened after just 2 weeks time – TWO WEEKS! It seems like Jessica didn’t value your relationship from the very start. It’s one thing to be a couple of over a year to have an incident like this (for various reasons that aren’t really pertinent at this time), but deciding to cheat after 2 weeks into a relationship indicates a lack of taking it seriously to begin with.
 
This doesn’t make Jessica a bad person; it just makes her a girl who doesn’t know what she wants. Sometimes this uncertainty or indecisiveness can be what makes us initially attracted to this type of person. We see them as being adventurous. Some of us who have a strong urge to nurture and help others may be attracted to this type of a person, because it is an opportunity to try to help them find their way.
 
It is interesting that this one person was able to get such a huge reaction out of you. I can see how in some ways this might be seen as how much you love her. It could also point to something not really associated with love – a loss of self-control. That almost puts you in the same place as she was when she was wasted.
 
In terms of what you should do, I’m not about to just say leave or stay. You need to decide what you value. Do you value commitment or do you value fun? Do you value stability or do you value excitement (and excitement isn’t always positive as you discovered).  Do you value having self-control, or do you value getting “wasted” in a relationship?
 
Tough questions my friend. One thing to remember though is pain isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it lets us know when things are not right.
Posted on: August 1, 2009 - 4:03am #3
 well stevi, i'm going to say just from experience that once a cheater always a cheater. especially if she was comfortable lying straight to your face, she's gotta be bad news. short and sweet hun, stay away from her.
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Posted on: August 2, 2009 - 2:53pm #4
OK well i know its hard to trust her because she betrayed your trust. I know its hard i've been there many imes and as maestro says you have to have communication. She may cheat again or she may learn from her ways you'll never know but its up to you to decide whether or not you have finished learning your lesson. Its okay to still have feelings for her and to be totally confused about it because you have fallen for her. The reason it is so confusing is because your probably going through some conflicts of intrest and aren't really sure whether you should follow your head or your heart. Those situations are always tough. Now lying to you is something that shows the lack of trust between the two of you and the barrier between communication. I've had many experiences with this.

Now the violence issue i can some what relate with you on that. When i was a sophmore in high school i pushed mygirlfriend we had been together for about a year and we were having a lot of problems and it ended badly. The day i pushed her i cried my eyes out that night when i got home from school. Its not an easy thing to deal with. Trust me i know. You just have to learn how to control the hurt you feel right then at that very moment until you can find a better way to get rid of it.

I wish you the best of luck sweetheart
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Posted on: August 7, 2009 - 5:45am #5
Ok so some updates...she has a boyfriend...she has not cheated again that i know of...umm...the word around town is everyone is calling her a whore....and im still not sure on what to do

Metro~im a 3rd degree black belt...and it still did not help...amy hitting me helped...i hate fighting its not something that i am in to and well i know what i did was wrong and i would have got it if she called the cops on me...

Nice~I agree 100% there but i gave her the second chance...
Psychoboi~I get where you are coming from but being 15 and have slept with that many people is not good..she has been with over 40 people....

Merc~I would never hit her again if it replayed...i cried for three days and still to this day say sorry about it...

I REALLY DO LOVE THIS GIRL...ILL SHOW YOU ALL A PIC OF HER...SHE IS AMAZING...BUT SHE KILLS ME,,,,


~STILL LOST ON WHAT TO DO~
 
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And shepherds we shall be, For Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.

Posted on: August 8, 2009 - 10:53am #6
 Well, you may want to seriously consider moving on. Resolve to keep your cool next time something pushes you. You may just have to let this person go for your own good. It is a hard thing to do but you have to protect yourself from emotional turmoil the same way you would protect yourself from physical harm. 
Posted on: August 8, 2009 - 4:46pm #7
I know how you feel trust me...
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~Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together -Marilyn Monroe~

Posted on: August 10, 2009 - 7:32am #8
so she broke up with me and its the hardest thing that i know right now...i love this girl so much...it took everything for me not to break down yesterday...it killed me and i am going to do everything to get her back...

i just wanna die
 
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And shepherds we shall be, For Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.

Posted on: August 11, 2009 - 5:17pm #9
 All that I can say is that I'm very sorry that you are hurting. We are here as you need us.
Rob
Posted on: August 13, 2009 - 11:35am #10
thank you love and i kno everyone always has been
 
__________________

And shepherds we shall be, For Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.

Posted on: August 15, 2009 - 1:04pm #11
I'm sorry that its hurting you.

It will get better with time. And if you need someone just message me it will be okay
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~Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together -Marilyn Monroe~

Posted on: August 26, 2009 - 11:04am #12
well everything is over between me and her come to find out she had done a lot more then just cheat on me...while we were together she was doing drugs that i hate more then anything in this world..i want her to get help but besides that i am 100% done with her till she can get her life together!
 
__________________

And shepherds we shall be, For Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.

Posted on: October 23, 2009 - 4:55pm #13
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