Hi, I just signed up to these forums because i just am kinda lost right now. I consider myself bisexual but my sexual preference seems to change dramatically sometimes. Some days i will be attracted to women and then other days i will be attracted to men. I have been with both and have had relationships with both. I just dont know what to do with myself really.    When im with other men though there is a time when i dont feel like its right for me and at other times when im with women i dont feel like its right. I just need some advice on what to do i guess.

 Hey folks the new issue of Getting Bi is out with lots of stuff and info. And one article by me aimed at parents of bi people.

 So this weekend we had the big Bi-Summit at the NYC LGBT Community Center and it was great. The day event was a media summit called Putting the B in LGBT. Then everyone went to dinner around the corner and came back for a Bi Writers event call Bilines II with readings and music and a few scenes fropma a play, I did  a musical thing. And then Sunday we had a brunch. It was cool. There was me wandering around the Village in a kilt with a guitar.
Rob

Hello All,
Here is a letter that I did to be used for parents. It is part of a whole set of materials that I am working on. Tell me what you think.
This was posted on the old OM.

 Dear Parent,

If you are reading this you are most likely having a really strange day.  You are also trying to be a good parent in an extremely confusing situation and you are probably getting lots of information that seems to conflict.  You are doing the right thing now and you can get through this.  There are people out there that can help, and I’m going to try to be one of those people.

 

I’m going to be honest with you: I am not an ‘expert’, I’m not a doctor of any-ology, and my degree has nothing to do with this area of study.  What I am is a father of five and a private music and martial arts teacher who deals with many kids.  I’m not going to tell you about the personal lives of my family or students, but I myself grew up in a family that had several individuals who were/are bisexual and I’ve had to deal with these issues directly and indirectly all of my life.

 

Take a deep breath.  Let it out and try to breathe slowly and try to read slowly and think about everything that I’m going to tell you here.  You may need to read a little bit at a time and walk away to think.  That’s fine: You can come back to it and read more when you are ready.  As you read this and other things, please do not assume anything about your loved one just because someone ‘said so’. You may be reading this because you only suspect or because someone told you that your child is bisexual, or maybe you have discovered it somehow or your child has talked to you about it.  If your child has spoken to you about it, try to be understanding and provide a safe, accepting atmosphere, and if your child has not spoken to you about it, you should still provide that atmosphere so that he or she can do so when ready and if this is indeed the case.

 

I bet you have found a lot of definitions of bisexuality, but for the sake of our discussion here, I simply mean that it is the physical and/or emotional attraction to both males and females.  Some ‘experts’ disagree but most people who identify as bisexual consider it an independent sexual orientation, not a subset of other more widely recognized sexual orientations.  Try not to think of bisexuality as being a little bit gay (homosexual) and a little bit straight (heterosexual) but as its own orientation with its own characteristics.  Chances are if you are dealing with a person who feels that he or she is bisexual, that person feels that it is an independent identity.  Many studies over the years have treated bisexuality as a subset of homosexuality and the older the source of information, the more likely that this is the case.  People often ask why anyone would choose to be gay or bi (kind of a shorthand identifier for bisexuals).  Most people do not feel that their sexual orientation is a choice.  Chances are you don’t feel that your own orientation is a choice.  Our best course of action is to respect the identity of our family and friends, assuming nothing.

 

I have no clue how many people in our culture experience bisexuality or identify as bisexuals.  From the material I’ve read the experts don’t seem to have a clue either, although many of them have statistics to quote; estimates range from only a few to a whole lot of people.  The fact is that these studies keep coming up with lots of different results and there are so many various ways that scientists define bisexuality, that until they can agree on a working definition, these studies are just good ways to spend grant money.

 

The definition issue has been a long-standing problem. There are some bi people who are ‘out’ (someone who is open about his or her sexuality), but most are ‘closeted’ or ‘in the closet’ (secretive or hiding his or her sexuality) for various reasons. Usually the main reason is fear of familial, spiritual and social rejection (imagine how hard that must be).  There has been so much obscuring of the issues surrounding bisexuality that a bi person—especially a young person—often feels alone, but as a parent, you can help your child find safe ways to discover that he or she is far from alone.  

 

There are some bi folks who have an almost balanced attraction to the genders, while others have a preferential attraction to one gender and are only occasionally attracted to the other, or who have a shifting preferential attraction which modulates between genders. Some people shift their sexual identity and may have long periods where they identify as straight, bi, or gay.  Other people are dropping the use of labels altogether.

 

Bisexuality is its own sexual orientation and orientation is not a choice.  It’s not your fault that your child is or may be bisexual. So you can get over those questions since what you have done as a parent has not made your child bisexual, but what you do as a parent can certainly contribute to how comfortable and healthy your child is with him or herself.  There isn’t a cure since it isn’t a disorder, but some people are going to assure you that it can be cured or that it is just a phase.  That whole phase thing is confusing, because we know that a significant portion of people in society have at some time or another felt some bisexual tendencies and then went on to assume a completely gay or straight sociosexual identity.  This doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences bisexual feelings is going to ‘grow’ out of it.  All that it means is that some people experience bisexual feelings that they may or may never act on and live a perfectly happy life identifying as gay or straight.  But just because some people do feel that they are no longer bi and are now straight or gay doesn’t mean that everyone will eventually do the same, and other people live a perfectly happy life identifying as a bisexual with feelings that they may or may not act on.  Many bisexual men and women have perfectly happy monogamous relationships, while some bi people prefer more alternative relationship styles.  There are no rules or even generalities in this area, so I can’t tell you what to expect.

 

While we are talking about stages and phases, you are going to have some stages and phases of your own.  People finding out that their child is bisexual have been known to experience anger, disbelief, denial, grief—and pretty much every other unpleasant emotion—and even some pleasant ones.  I can’t tell you exactly what you are feeling, will feel, or should feel.  If at any time you are uncomfortable with what you feel or if your child seems uncomfortable with what you feel, talk to somebody.  It could be a friend or a professional and there are also support groups out there.  Chances are that wherever you found this letter from me, you will find some links to resources for you, and if not, contact me directly.  I used my real name at the end of this letter and I’ll help you find someone to talk to.

 

One person it may help a lot to talk to is your child: He or she is going to know more about how he or she feels than all of the websites, books, and experts out there, and your child is going to honestly care about how you feel more than anyone else.  You could even help each other through your mutual concerns.  Just be honest, and if you don’t know how your child feels, say so and then ask.  While you are being honest, you may want to consider sharing with your child any bisexual feelings or experiences that you may have or may have had in your own life.  

 

As far as letting other family members know, even another parent, your child should get to decide who will know and when they know, even if this may place you in an awkward situation.  Ultimately each person must decide how ‘out’ he or she wants to be and we as a loved one should respect that choice.  Some people are out in a very “we’re here, we’re queer” way (queer has been adopted by many people with non-mainstream sexual or gender identities to identify anyone who is either not straight, or is not birth gender oriented) and wear the t-shirt while others stay completely in the closet.

 

 Sexuality differences also make for social safety issues that you may want to think about.  Whether you like it or not, kids and teens experiment, so you may want to consider insuring that your child has a safe place to bring a date even if you have to stretch your own comfort level.  Nobody wants a late night call from an angry parent who just found your child making out with theirs.  Trust me: It is way worse when the children are the same sex and this was the first inkling that the other parent had about his or her own child.  When straight kids are caught making out in the back seat of a car or in an empty gym, or behind a clothing rack in the mall (and, yes, they think we don’t know) cops, teachers, sales people and security guards handle it with one approach; but when those kids are of the same sex, hurtful things are often said or done—sometimes even physically hurtful things.  So think it over, because an ounce of prevention can save a lot of embarrassment and even physical and emotional harm.

 

The scariest thing for me is the suicide rate among gay and bisexual young people.  I watched one of my children die at birth and I will do anything to never see that happen to one of my other kids.  If that means that I have to get over any of my own issues I will, and I have.  Suicide is preventable.  Don’t bury your child, not for anyone or anything.  Be there for that kid even if you are confused.  Don’t be silent because you are afraid that you might say the wrong thing.  Bisexuals, especially young bisexual men from the age of fifteen to twenty-five years of age, are taking their own lives at an alarming rate.  Suicide happens; don’t let it happen in your family.

 

As you have looked around, you may have noticed that bisexuality is not very visible in our culture.  As many people as there are who experience bisexuality or bisexual feelings at some time in their lives, you would expect it to be more visible.  But we as a culture tend to think in terms of a hetero- and homosexual duality and that puts a certain bias into play where bisexuality just doesn’t come up and isn’t considered when dealing with legal, educational, social and health issues.  There have also been some groups in the past who have had specific political agendas to exclude bisexuals and have made an effort to institutionalize ‘biphobia’ (fear of bisexuals) within our culture.  This has a lot to do with the choice of a person to be open or ‘out’ about their bisexuality or to stay in the closet about it, which makes it rude and even harmful to ‘out’ someone (inappropriately inform others about someone else’s sexual identity).

 

Another common misconception about bisexuals or any LGBT (LGBT is short for Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgender) individuals is the issue of promiscuity.  Just because your child has a non-straight sexuality or non-birth-gender identity does not make him or her any more promiscuous than straight kids.  And yes, your son or daughter may know his or her sexual orientation and still be a virgin.  It doesn’t matter what the sexual orientation of your child is: You need to talk to him or her about safer sex.  If you haven’t, you should be researching that and talking to your child.  There is a recently available report on bisexual health issues and safer sex: Read it, and have your child read it.

 

You may also be wondering about gender roles and gender identity.  Simply put, “Is my son going to start acting like a girl” or “Is my daughter going to start acting like a boy” and what should I do?  Do nothing yet, because you may be a little confused on issues.  Gender identity is how a person identifies their own gender and leads to what gender role they fill through behavior.  Most bi people maintain their birth gender identity and the accompanying social gender role.  People who are shifting their gender identity away from their birth gender and behaving according to the social roles of the non-birth gender are transgendered and this is not linked to homo- or bisexuality through any cause and effect relationship.  A transgendered person may be bi, gay or straight.  One is not the other.  But as a good parent, you may want to explain this detail to your child, because he or she might think there is a certain way they’re supposed to act, such as ‘queeny’ (stereotypical Hollywood character idea of effeminate gay), ‘butch’ (stereotypical dyke image) or even ‘androgynous’ (displaying gender role elements from both masculine and feminine social images—classic rock star stereotype).  Your child is allowed to be as feminine or masculine as he or she feels.  And this too may change with time.

 

Bisexuality as an identity was identified by name in the 1800s, though we know that it has, as a behavior, been around a lot longer than that.  And in the last few decades it has strengthened socially, though it had to go through some battles and still does have some battles to fight as a bisexual community forms.  But in recent years, there has been a lot of growth toward that community and so there are now organizations out there to help bisexuals and their families.  There was even an unfortunate time when there was tension between bisexuals and the gay and lesbian community.  You will occasionally run across remnants of this in old literature, but those wounds continue to heal.  Eleanor Roosevelt was almost certainly bi, Marlena Dietrich was definitely bi and Alexander the Great had multiple wives, was a father and had a lifelong male lover so he too was bi.

 

In closing, I want to say that by reading this you are doing what every parent of every GLBT child should be doing: learning and trying.  And as long as you are willing to keep learning and trying, you are going to ultimately get this right.  You will make mistakes but you can fix them.  Love your child, not your bisexual child.  Love your child who is a person who feels and loves and hates and hurts and dreams and wonders, and who maybe happens to also be bisexual.

 

Sincerely,

Robert L. Barton Robtbarton@yahoo.com

East Bridgewater, MA

 
First I want to wish everyone a very nice Thanksgiving, for the Americans anyway and just a really nice day for those who are not celebrating a holiday.
So last night I was up trying to get a guitar line sorted out and I thought that I would watch something on tv at the same time. There was nothing appealing on really so I picked something that looked to be mildly amusing and caught the last half of it. It was on a channel called WE which I have never seen before. It was an episode of 20/20 which was examining myths about sex. When talking about the 'seven year itch' they ended with a cartoon while they said that you could have "deep affection for one person" the cartoon showed a man and a woman in bed and then they said that you could also have a "romantic love for another person" and the camera panned back on the frame and the woman turned her head to look at a man also in the bed on the other side of her with little floating hearts in the air, they then proceeded to say that you could also be "physically sexually attracted to someone else" and then camera panned back again and the third man turned his head to look at the next person being shown who happened to be another man and he proceeded to raise his eyebrows to flirt with the new guy. They ended up showing guy + girl + guy +guy.
They seemed to focus on each couple in turn and not really intending to demonstrate any type of group grope but it was interesting. I imagine we could examine it for subtext and latent homophobia and biphobia etc but it was interesting and cool that it was included in that way without being 'the' issue of discussion at that point.

Lily and Rose Society

Chairperson: Lillian Rose

Co-chair: Robert Barton

 

The rose is a flower much praised and historically associated with the female.

 

The lily has been, for centuries, an artistic metaphor specifically associated with the male.  

 

The Lily and Rose Society, also known as The Lillian Rose society is a social club for people who appreciate both the lily and the rose. Participation in our society is open also to our friends and anyone who accepts and supports those of us whose hearts are gardens of two flowers.

 

We have been called many things in our lives and we take many names ourselves. There are a plethora of euphemisms which have been applied to us. We are people who find that our affections are not limited to one gender and that our attractions are expansive. There is within us an appreciation for both lilies and roses.

 

We as an organization adhere to no specific political or religious positions and seek only to help humanity become more accepting of one another. To this end, it is the mission of the Lily and Rose Society to use social activities and interactions to humanize our concerns while sharing with others who we are and allowing them to develop comfort in associating with all types of people and a trust in our common humanity. We believe that when people eat, drink and socialize with one another they are brought together in a very personal manner.

 

Neither membership roster nor fee exists and an interested party need only be recognized as a member by any existing member. Any member may organize Lillian Rose discussions, teas, lunches or other appropriate social events. No procedure for expelling a member exists though a member may resign and anyone who becomes anathema can expect to be ostracized by the society. The legendary Lillian Rose is the permanent chairperson of our society with a co chairperson appointed for life and who is to designate a successor in the event of death or resignation. Each local chapter of the Lillian Rose society operates at the disposition of members present and may appoint local leadership as it chooses.

 

Along with social events and functions members are welcomed to organize and present Lily and Rose educational and outreach events. Local chapters are urged to recognize achievements by those of our nature and our friends through yearly awards and events. Either co-chairperson of our society may choose to recognize individuals and their contributions through the granting of awards.

 

We ask also that any member or chapter wishing to create or present an artistic symbol of the society include in that depiction a lily and a rose.

... that bisexual behavior is way more common that anyone seems to have previously thought and yet it is rare for people to identitfy as bi. We also know that bisexual behavior is present in literally hundreds of animals and insects. We also know that the suicide rate among bisexual young men from the ages of 15 to 25 is the highest of any sexual orientation and age group looked at.
So why are so many people who are behaviorally bi still not able to come out of the closet and are still identifying as straight or gay even though they are attracted to more than one gender.

So, I am on the exectutive com. for a conference being hosted by the BI-writers association for the bi community in general. We would like to get a young adult involved on the planning com. The conference is to be autum of next year in NYC and though it is hosted by  a writers association it is for more than just writers. So anyone here 18 to 20 somthing interested in helping to plan this event over the course of the next year? Give us a viewpoint from the perspective of your age group.

That people seem to think that bisexual peeps do not exist.  almost as interesting as Chris Crocker's comment that straight oeople do not exist.  The former can be bit more frustrating, ya know? (The latter would make our lives somewhat easier, lol)

I thought that I posted a topic today but It has vanished? Anyone seem it? Was I in an altered state? I mean my life is an altered state but I can usually identify consensus reality... or at least i thoiught that I could until now.